Free That’s How I Roll: A Novel by Andrew Vachss

stayed alive, he was safe.
    It was what came after I was gone that I fretted so much about. But once I had my plans, I tested them in my mind, over and over again. It wasn’t until I knew I could truly rely on them that I was finally at peace.
    hey always let Tory-boy visit me in the jail. The good folks around here, they might have lynched the Sheriff if he had barred that sweet, slow boy from visiting his crazy, crippled big brother.
    Besides, the Sheriff worked for the same people I did, and he wasn’t the kind of man who could live on his salary.
    “Esau, I’m scared,” Tory-boy whispered to me.
    “What have you got to be scared of? Didn’t I tell you our house was always going to be safe?”
    “I know. But … who’s going to tell me what to do now?”
    “Me. I am.”
    “But people say you’re going to …”
    “Die? You can say it out loud, Tory-boy. It’s not a spell-word. It won’t come true just because you say it. I promise.”
    Those last two words had been soothing him since he was a baby, and they had never failed to do so. “All right, Esau. Do you want me to—?”
    I held my finger to my lips. He knew that signal before he could talk.
    I didn’t like the way Tory-boy had been sneaking looks around the room where they let us have visits. I knew what was growing in his mind. Tory-boy can’t think more than an hour or so ahead, but inside of that hour, he could clamp down on any one thing. Clamp down and
hold
.
    I could see his mind:
There’s no guard near us. They don’t even lock the door behind me. Only one man on the desk in front. I can hit him hard. Then I can wheel Esau right out and put him in the van. We can go back to our place
.
    “I don’t want to get out of here.” I knew saying that wouldn’t frighten Tory-boy—he was used to me reading his thoughts.
    “But … but you always say there’s a way out, Esau. Like our secret mine, right? We can go home, and get right down there, like you said we might have to do someday—right, Esau?”
    “I’m not going to die,” I promised my big, powerful, life-cheated little brother. “Not until
I
decide to.”
    Tory-boy nodded. I’d never need to tell him that again. If I said it, Tory-boy knew it was true. And once Tory-boy had something from me, King Kong couldn’t make him turn loose of it.
    “I’m just going to another place,” I told him. “You can come and see me there, too.”
    “Don’t you want to come home, Esau? To our place?”
    “Not yet. My plan is going to take years to work. In the meantime, I need a quiet place to think, so I can make more plans.”
    I could see by his face that he didn’t understand. But I never get impatient. And I knew just what to do.
    “ ‘Our place.’ Say it with me again, Tory-boy.”
    “Our place,” we said together.
    “Our place is always safe, isn’t that true? Nobody ever hurt us in our place, isn’t that the truth?”
    “Yes, Esau.”
    “Well, I have to stay here for a while to keep it that way. It’s part of the spell. This is one hungry spell, Tory-boy; I’ve got to keep it fed. Remember how I taught you all about that?”
    Now I had him—he was back on familiar ground. But when I told him I wouldn’t be coming home for a long time, it was more pain than he could conceal.
    “Esau …”
    “Don’t let me catch you crying,” I said, real soft.
    Tory-boy fixed his gaze on me. One blink—dry eyes.
    “You know how we watch TV together?”
    “Sure!”
    “We’ll still do that. I’ll be right next to you, like always. You won’t see me, but I’ll be there. I’ll always be there, Tory-boy. If you talk to me, I’ll answer. Right inside your head.”
    He nodded. But I wasn’t sure he had it locked in as deep as I needed. So I said, “Didn’t I swear to you that the Beast would never come into our place? Into any place we had?”
    “Yes, Esau.”
    “It’s been way over twenty years, Tory-boy. Isn’t that long enough for you to believe me