Free Granta 125: After the War by John Freeman Page A

to convince sceptics like you. I see the expression on your face. You could weigh the person just before and just after they die. Then you’d see that the spirit is something real. Scientists have learned how to weigh gravity, haven’t they? It’s time to weigh the spirit.’
    I’d give a million dollars to know why Kurt is in such a lather about our ‘standing’ in town. Does anyone actually have ‘standing’ in a shithole? Well, Kurt thinks so. He thinks we have standing becauseof Mother’s regal presence over the decades which, I will admit, was widely admired but which seems to be under attack via these revelations about Wowser and Doozy. I shudder to think what would happen if Kurt found out who Wowser is. Sadly, we know who Doozy is. Doozy is our mother.

    I said to the shining young couple across my desk, ‘If you take this loan, at this bank’s rates, at this point in your lives, you could find yourselves in a hole you’d never dig out of.’ Was this me speaking? This was an out-of-body experience. I didn’t tell them that if I went down this road I’d be in the same mess I was recommending they avoid. Feeling my heart swell at the prospects of this couple was more than a little disquieting. From their point of view – and it wasn’t hard to see it in their eyes – I was just turning them down. They would have liked me better if I’d hung this albatross around their necks and let them slide until we glommed the house. After they were gone, I slumped in my chair – a butterfly turning back into a caterpillar. I hadn’t felt quite like this since I repeated ninth grade with Mrs Novacek busting my balls up at the blackboard doing long division.
    Kurt has this habit of picking up his napkin between thumb and forefinger as though letting cooties out. It’s his way of showing the restaurant staff that nobody is above suspicion. He was on his third highball when I said, ‘There were times when Mother could be pretty hard.’
    ‘Where do you come up with this shit?’
    I felt heat in my face. ‘Like when she was den mother.’
    ‘Of course she was hard on you. You were still a Bobcat after two years. What merit badges did you earn?’
    ‘I don’t remember …’
    ‘I do. You earned one. Handyman. You earned a Handyman merit badge. I never ever knew anyone who even wanted one. I had Athlete, Fitness, Engineer, Forester and Outdoorsman in year one. And Webelos. I didn’t find Mother hard, ever. Unless you mean she had standards. Where are you going? You haven’t even ordered!’
    After the lunch I missed, Edwin, our bank president, came to my desk for the first time since spring before last and asked when I would start moving product like I used to. The young couple must have complained.

    V isiting Mother with Kurt was getting to be too hard. The last time we tried, Mother got a mellow, dewy look on her face and at first Kurt thought it was her pleasure at seeing us. Then he seemed to panic: ‘She calls me Wowser, I jump out the window.’
    Mother said, ‘Wowser.’
    Kurt was blinking, his nose making a tiny figure-eight, but he didn’t jump out the window. So, I started seeing Mother on my own. I didn’t try to make anything happen when I was with her and we mostly just sat in silence. She would look at me for a long time with a watery unregistering look and then, once in a while, I’d see her eyes darken and focus on me with a kind of intensity that lasted for a good long while. I think I knew what was going on but I was darned if I would start yammering at her like Kurt does to get her to put into words what couldn’t be put into words and only produced some crazy non sequitur from her deepest past. Of course if it featured Wowser, Kurt was on the warpath. If she just chattered about this, that and the other without naming names, then Kurt would announce she was talking about Dad. But mostly he couldn’t handle her obvious mental absence.
    ‘Mother, I just heard the sprinklers go off.