Free Mrs. Pargeter's Plot by Simon Brett

working on changing my personality,’ he replied.
    â€˜Oh yes. How did you set about doing that?’
    He smiled proudly. ‘I went to see the chaplain. Never had any of that God stuff when I was a nipper, so I got him to take me through the whole business, right from the start . . . you know, the Garden of Eton, the whole number, right up to the Crucifaction and the Reservation . . . And I got him to give me books to read.’
    â€˜What – like the Bible?’
    â€˜Well, yes, a few like that, but more of them was joke books.’
    â€˜Joke books?’
    â€˜That’s right. Because, you see, it’s like what the angel said. Not only had I done wrong, but also I never had no sense of humour. That’s what distinguishes man from the animals, the chaplain said – a sense of humour.’
    â€˜Well, it’s a point of view.’
    â€˜So I been working the last three years to build up my sense of humour.’
    â€˜From the joke books?’
    â€˜Yes.’ He nodded with satisfaction, then coughed. ‘Do you know the joke about the nervous wreck?’
    â€˜No, I don’t believe I do,’ said Mrs Pargeter.
    Fossilface O’Donahue chuckled. ‘This’ll kill you, really will. Dead good, this one. I spent most of the past three years practising telling jokes, you know.’
    â€˜Did you?’
    â€˜Yeah. All right, so here goes.’ He cleared his throat again. ‘What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shivers?’
    â€˜Amaze me,’ said Mrs Pargeter.
    â€˜A nervous wreck!’ Fossilface O’Donahue pronounced ecstatically, and burst into a deep rumble of laughter.
    Mrs Pargeter joined in politely, though she thought he might still have a little way to go in his joke-telling technique. Fossilface wasn’t yet quite ready for the professional stand-up comedy circuit.
    â€˜It’s good, isn’t it?’ he said. ‘Dead good.’ Mrs Pargeter smiled encouragingly. ‘No,’ he went on, ‘the chaplain told me . . . you go about your daily life with a sense of humour and people are bound to warm to you.’
    â€˜I’m sure they will.’
    â€˜So that’s what I’ve been working on – my sense of humour. Making sure that everyone who meets me leaves with a smile on their face.’
    â€˜What an appealing idea.’
    â€˜Mm.’ He waved the plastic clown mask at her. ‘I thought this’d give you a good laugh.’
    â€˜Oh.’
    He looked disappointed. ‘Didn’t, though, did it? It seemed almost like you was scared of it, rather than amused by it.’
    â€˜Well, yes, of course all jokes depend for their effect on the mood of the person they’re told to, don’t they?’ she said judiciously. ‘And the occasion.’
    â€˜Yeah. So, another time, if you was, like, in the right mood, you’d’ve thought this mask was dead funny?’
    â€˜Yes, I’m sure I would, Fossilface.’
    The nickname had slipped out unintentionally. Mrs Pargeter held her breath for a second, waiting for the reaction, but was relieved to see a smile split his craggy features.
    â€˜Good. That’s what I want to do, you see – leave people with smiles on their faces.’
    â€˜Very nice too.’
    â€˜My aim is to, like, suddenly appear from nowhere, do the restitooshun to the geezers what I done wrong to, then vanish off again.’ He chuckled throatily. ‘Sort of like the Loan Arranger.’
    â€˜Sorry?’
    â€˜That’s another joke I learnt from one of the books while I was in the nick. This bloke, see, he goes to the bank, and there’s this other bloke sitting at a desk with a black mask on . . . I mean, the bloke’s got the mask on, not the desk.’
    â€˜Right.’
    â€˜And the bloke – this is the first bloke, I mean the one who come in – he says to another bloke – this is