Free Blacklisted from the PTA by Lela Davidson Page B

DMIT IT . Y OU ’ D RATHER CLEAN OUT THE drain than volunteer for field day or bake muffins for all those ungrateful teachers. But someone’s got to do it, right? Much as you cannot stand the thought of one more silent auction, you don’t want to be that mom—the slacker who doesn’t care enough about the social and educational future of her children to get her lazy ass down to the cafeteria for the float committee meeting.
    Instead of actually having to say no, wouldn’t it be easier to get kicked right out of the PTA? Now you can. I can help. Here are seven surefire techniques for getting banned from the PTA forever:
#1 – Pass out peanuts.
    Peanuts in public schools are like anthrax in Washington, D.C. Distribute peanut M&Ms to the kids in your charge at the petting zoo and you’ll never be asked to organize another field trip.
#2 – Get a job.
    This is a drastic step, but if you miss enough of those 10 a.m. meetings, you’ll never be asked to join another committee. The beauty of this technique is that to be successful you don’t actually have to get a job, but merely convince others that you have.
#3 – Botch the bulletin board.
    You will eventually be asked to create an adorable sciencethemed bulletin board made of Q-Tips, or a stunning botanical scene for the second grade musical created entirely of peat moss. If you’re in a hurry to get the boot, volunteer for this. It’s just so easy to make something horrid.
#4 – Show off your tramp stamp.
    There is nothing to get mouths a-gaping like a little ink below the waistline. Strategic use of low-rise jeans can insulate you from years of Fall Carnival shifts, spaghetti socials, and any other event that would put you in proximity of any Mr. PTAs.
#5 – Buy the wrong color.
    It doesn’t matter what it is—balloons, paper plates, napkins—go against the committee’s ruling on a particular nuance of forest green and you can kiss your PTA career goodbye.
#6 – Piss off the Queen.
    Work with your personality to find the most effective way to enrage the PTA Queen. It’s important to understand that PTA Queens often operate outside the official hierarchy of the PTA system. Learn who they are, irritate them, and go on with your merry non-PTA existence.
#7 – Embezzle the funds.
    This is perhaps the most drastic step of all, but in many cases can result not only in your being shunned from the PTA, but every other well-meaning, time-sucking volunteer organization in town.
    Keep all these in mind next time you stroll your happy little self down to the PTA meeting. Because really, aren’t they all a little easier than just saying no?

Texting: Make Mine Unlimited
     
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LOT OF THINGS ARE DIFFERENT FOR OUR KIDS THAN THEY WERE for us. We didn’t have home theaters, decent video games, or twenty-four-seven kids’ television programming. But the thing that’s really changed everything is cell phones and the privacy they offer our children . Before my son started middle school I had made up my mind that I would not cave to the pressure.
“You’ll change your tune,” a friend told me. “What if he misses the bus?” she questioned. I rolled my eyes.
    Cut to Christmas and my son tearing open a cell phone while his little sister calculates the number of months she has to wait for hers under the “big-brother-broke-them-in” algorithm. I’m still not convinced he needs a phone, but he wanted one and it was Christmas.
    I was weak. Or maybe noble, triumphing over my jealousy. Having a personal phone—not to mention a modest texting allowance—in the 6th grade? I never had it so good.
    Back in the olden days we didn’t even have cordless phones. Telephones were all attached to a wall, either in your home or in public. You carried a quarter for a payphone and everyone could see you cry when your mom forgot to pick you up from soccer practice. If you missed the bus you didn’t call anyone; you walked home. When you got sick at school you had to use the