Free Written in the Stars by Ali Harris Page A

leaving here until I’ve seen you, and you know how stubborn and strong-willed I am.’
    ‘I do.’
    ‘Unusual choice of words, Bea,’ she says lightly. ‘Shame you didn’t use them yesterday, eh?’
    ‘Don’t, Milly, please, I—’
    ‘I know, I know, I’m sorry,’ she interrupts. ‘I promised myself I wouldn’t be judgemental. Or start shouting at you. I just want to know if you’re OK. And,’ she adds, ‘I know I said I’d wait here as long as it takes to see you, but it is possible Loni may break me. She’s been reading passages of her new book to me for the past half an hour.’
    ‘Sorry,’ I say sympathetically. ‘But I just don’t think I can face anyone right now. I can’t bear thinking about how I’ve let everyone down.’
    ‘You haven’t let anyone down. Except Adam,’ Milly says pointedly.
    ‘How is he?’ I say quietly. I can’t say his name. I don’t deserve to.
    ‘He’s heartbroken. He feels like his life has been torn in two.’ She pauses. ‘And how are you?’
    I consider her words. ‘The same.’
    ‘Then why?’ she demands. ‘I mean, I just don’t get it. You love him, he loves you, so why leave?’ She makes me sound like an investor pulling out of a sure-fire interest earner. I don’t answer. ‘Jay and I were with Adam most of the night,’ she continues. ‘He’s completely blaming himself.’
    ‘It’s not his fault!’ I exclaim. ‘I told him that!’
    ‘And so did we.’ She pauses. ‘Obviously we told him what a horrible, selfish person you are . . .’
    ‘You’re right, I am.’
    ‘Oh Bea,’ she sighs. ‘I’m joking! But why didn’t you talk to me if you were having second thoughts? You know I can always help when you’re being pathetic and indecisive . . . it’s what I do.’
    This is true, but still, her words prickle. She does always help, if helping is steamrollering me into life choices I’m not always ready to make.
    ‘I – I tried . . . before I started walking up the aisle. But then I decided to just ignore my doubts and go for it . . .’
    ‘And that was the right decision! So what changed your mind?
    Kieran did.
    I don’t reply.
    ‘Seriously, Bea, what happened?’ Milly presses. ‘Maybe Cal got it wrong and you were concussed.’
    I don’t tell her that actually I was thinking straight for the first time in years. I don’t say anything, in fact. The silence hangs between us; invisible but tangible all the same, like the missing sails on the boats opposite me. I want to open up to her, but I know she’ll judge me.
    ‘Well, if you don’t want to tell me . . .’ Milly says huffily, breaking the silence.
    I look up and blink and raindrops begin to fall from the sky, landing like teardrops on my face. I step back into the amusement arcade. The noise of the games is ringing in my ears.
    ‘It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just . . . I – I don’t know . . .’ This isn’t true. I do know. I know damn well what happened.
    There’s a lengthy pause before she speaks again. ‘Look,’ she says. ‘As long as you know that I’m here for you. If you need me.’
    ‘Thank you, Milly.’
    Another silence in which I sense that she is giving me one final chance to come clean. Maybe if we were out together, or I’d drunk some alcohol, I would. But I’m not brave enough right now. I can’t tell her, I just can’t.
    ‘OK,’ she sighs resignedly at last. ‘I know you’re not ready to talk but I also know you can’t stay at Loni’s forever. Obviously you won’t be going back to your and Adam’s place but you always have a space with Jay and me at the flat if you need it. We’ve got plenty of room. You and me back together in Greenwich again – and in the same flat. It’d be just like the old days!’ she adds faux brightly.
    ‘Thanks, Milly,’ I reply, subdued by her generosity.
    The old days. Her words echo in my head long after we end our call.
    An hour later, after I’ve finally convinced Cal that it’s OK to