Free Written in the Stars by Ali Harris

loved. I think you can feel secure in a relationship and not scared. Because that’s what I think really happened yesterday. You got scared that history would repeat itself – not that you would leave, like you believe, but that Adam would leave you, just like Kieran and Dad did . . .’ He stops as he sees my expression crumple. ‘I’m right, aren’t I?’ he murmurs. ‘That’s what it was all about! Oh Bea, Adam’s a good man, a great one, he loves you, he’d do anything for you! All you had to do was take a leap of faith . . . why couldn’t you, eh?’
    I don’t reply. I don’t know what to say.
    Cal is watching me play whack-a-mole, intermittently shouting encouragement. ‘That one’s for Dad leaving us! That one is for Adam’s mum taking over your entire wedding!’ I give it several hits. ‘Now do a whack for every time Loni has embarrassed you!’
    I give him a sideways glance. ‘I’ll need a new arm!’
    ‘So what now?’ he asks as I continue thumping moles on the head with a toy hammer. I must look ridiculous but it is cathartic. I haven’t told Cal but the only person I’m imagining bashing on the head is me.
    ‘I don’t KNOW.’ SMACK.
    I hate the fact that I don’t know. I feel the self-flagellation descend quickly like mist over the sea.
    THWACK.
    That one was for me. I could do with a bloody good push in the right direction. Like those two-pence coins.
    WHACK! I pause, my mallet in mid-air. ‘Go back to the flat to get my STUFF?’ I say, hitting the target with a certainty I do not feel. Then I spot another mole and bring the mallet down with an almighty thud. ‘HA! Got you!’
    Cal eyes me warily. ‘I’d offer you our sofa but number one, you’re scaring me. In fact, I’m starting to think Adam got off lightly . . .’ I turn to him and raise the mallet menacingly and he laughs and holds up his hands in truce. ‘And number two, the twins still aren’t sleeping, so I’m currently on the sofa myself! Have been for weeks, in fact!’ I look at him sympathetically. I want to ask him more but just then my phone starts buzzing in my pocket and I pull it out and look at it nervously.
    ‘It’s Milly,’ I say. ‘I’d better take this. I can’t avoid everyone forever.’
    I hand Cal the hammer and go outside. I stand by the icecream counter, and stare out at the boats moored in the harbour, their masts piercing the sky like great white needles, brightly coloured bunting flapping beside them. Every sense is being invaded by memories, the salty brine of the sea air mixed with the smell of fish and chips from French’s (the irony that I should be in France on my honeymoon right now is not lost on me), the sweet familiar smell of ice cream and candy floss. I can almost see Kieran’s bright yellow VW camper van speeding down the street, me in his passenger seat, bare, nut-brown feet resting on the dashboard, my head thrown back in laughter as Kieran sings at the top of his voice. I focus instead on the view beyond the boats of the salt marshes and the beach with the brightly coloured huts I used to dream about owning with Kieran. It’s as if the day he crashed my wedding, he also broke down my walls. I can’t get him out of my head now, even though I’d managed to for the seven years I spent with Adam.
    Except did I? Did I really forget him, or was he the reason I was never willing to fully commit to Adam?
    I just don’t know any more.
    I put the phone to my ear reluctantly and try to muster up the strength to talk to my best friend.
    ‘Hi Milly,’ I say.
    ‘At sodding last! Where are you? How are you? When are you coming back? Are you OK? Hang on.’ I hear a muffled sound as she puts her hand over the receiver. ‘I’m OK, thanks, Loni, I’m not actually a big fan of rosehip tea . . . or nettles.’
    The line clears again. ‘I’m at your mum’s . . .’ She lowers her voice. ‘Please come back soon and save me, she wants me to chant with her. But I’d do it, I’m not