Free Marry Me by Dan Rhodes

FUSS
    In the run up to our wedding day, my fiancée told me to be quiet. ‘Can’t you change the subject?’ she snapped. ‘All I’ve been hearing lately is “I love you so much,” and “We have such a wonderful future ahead of us,” and “I can’t believe I’m going to marry the girl of my dreams”.’ She closed her eyes and shook her head. ‘It’s a legal procedure; let’s just get through it with the minimum of fuss.’
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    RUSSIAN
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    Silver explained that while she loved me very much as a friend, she couldn’t see us settling down together. She had anticipated my distress, and was quick to comfort me. ‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘You won’t have to be alone.’ She reached into her bag and brought out a brochure full of pictures of marriageminded Russian women. Leafing through it, she pointed at the ones she thought I would like, reading out their names, ages, heights and interests.
    â€˜But what if I don’t want a Russian bride?’ I asked.
    â€˜Don’t be silly,’ she said. ‘It’ll help you get over me. And besides, I’ve always thought you would make a wonderful husband for some lucky girl.’ One Russian in particular had caught her eye. ‘Look,’ she said, ‘she’s got such lovely hair. You two will be
so
happy together.’
    I told her I was going to spend every moment of the rest of my life wishing she hadn’t left me, and that would hardly be fair on the Russian.
    â€˜Listen,’ she said. ‘I’m moving on, and it would really help me to know that you’ve moved on too.’ She gave me a pleading look. ‘So what do you say? Will you write to her?’
    Silver knew I would do anything for her, and there was nothing I could do but nod. She jumped up and down, squealing with delight. ‘Can I be a bridesmaid?’ she asked. ‘Oh, can I? It’s only fair—you two would never have met if it hadn’t been for me.’
    I agreed to let her be a bridesmaid. Veruschka is due to arrive any day now. I’ll try as hard as I can to love her, for Silver’s sake.

HAT
    My mother told me that the time had come for my girlfriend and I to legitimise our sex life. She had a point, so a few days later I found myself down on one knee in a romantic location. Unfortunately, I was rejected. My girlfriend told me she just wasn’t able to see us growing old together, that I had never been quite as good in bed as she had hoped, and that under the circumstances it would be best not to drag things out any longer.
    When I broke the news to my mother, she was furious. She had already bought a massive hat. She took it out of its box, put it on her head and pointed at it. ‘What am I supposed to do with this fucking thing now?’ she bellowed.

RING
    My girlfriend had been a real nuisance, and even though she was incredibly good-looking I had been thinking quite seriously about splitting up with her. Since her lobotomy, though, things have improved, and I’m starting to see a way forward for us as a couple. These days I can leave coins and cigarettes lying around without having to worry about her stealing them, and she’s even started smiling, in a vacant sort of way. None of my friends had liked her very much, but they’re starting to change their opinions. ‘If you’re still thinking about packing her in,’ they say, looking her up and down with hunger in their eyes, ‘I’d be glad to take her off your hands.’ A while ago I’d have relinquished her on the spot, but not any more. I’m even thinking about putting a ring on her finger, to mark her as mine. She won’t notice, but it’ll still count.

FRIENDS
    My wife told me she was leaving, and I was heartbroken. Clutching at straws, I asked her if we could still be friends.
    â€˜Let’s be