Free Marry Me by Dan Rhodes Page A

realistic,’ she said. ‘I’ve been through this so many times, and take it from me—the
friends
thing never really works.’
    â€˜So I’ll never see you again?’ I sobbed.
    â€˜No,’ she said, sympathetically patting my arm, ‘I’m afraid not. But if it’s any consolation, you’ll be hearing from my solicitor.’

LOOKS
    I came to the realisation that I would love my girlfriend just the same even if she lost her looks. ‘This means I’m definitely ready for us to get married,’ I said.
    She looked thoughtful. ‘If you were to lose your looks,’ she said ‘I think I would love you quite a lot less.’
    I was worried. ‘Does this mean you won’t marry me?’
    â€˜No, I might as well. It’s a gamble, but I’ve always had a reckless streak.’

CLASSICAL
    My wife had been unemployed for ages, so I was delighted when she applied for work as a classical composer. Neither of us knew much about that kind of thing, but they must have been impressed by her enthusiasm because she got the job. They sent her on a training course, and a few weeks later I went along to the premiere of her first symphony.
    I was struck by how professional it sounded, and enjoyed a lot of the tunes. When it was over, I listened to the people sitting next to me as they discussed their interpretations of the piece. They agreed that the first movement had been as bleak and brave a portrayal of a failing marriage as they had ever heard; the second, they said, had been about escaping the emptiness of this marriage by embarking upon a passionate affair with a handsome bassoonist; and the consensus was that the third had dealt with the final escape, leaving the grinding tedium behind to begin an exciting new life.
    I tracked her down backstage. ‘You didn’t mean any of that, did you?’ I asked.
    She nodded. ‘Every note. I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but at least it’s out in the open now.’ She gave my shoulder a sympathetic squeeze, told me her brother would be round for her things, then left to begin her first world tour.

FREUD
    I never seemed to meet the kind of girl I would like to settle down with, but after reading Sigmund Freud I realised where I had been going wrong. I took out a lonely hearts ad that said:
Do you resemble this woman? If so, I would be interested in marriage
. Underneath was a photograph of my mother. Unfortunately, it didn’t work quite as well as I’d hoped. I only received one reply, and although she seemed quite promising on paper, I got to the rendezvous to find I’d been corresponding with my sister.
    I don’t know what she was thinking. If anything she takes after our father’s side of the family.

LEMMINGS
    My bride was determined to be the most beautiful girl at her wedding, and had gone out of her way to look her best for the big day. As we danced cheek to cheek at the reception, she whispered, ‘Have you seen the way the men have been looking at me? They can’t believe what they’re seeing. There are going to be some suicides tonight, I can tell you.’
    I wasn’t so sure. I thought she was wearing too much make-up, and her hair looked really stiff. Quite a lot of the other girls looked better than her, but I decided that under the circumstances it would be best to keep my opinions to myself. ‘They’ll be jumping off the roof like lemmings,’ I said.

POTS AND PANS
    My wife told me that while she loved me very much, she was no longer in love with me. ‘I’ll be staying here, and keeping all the pots and pans,’ she continued, ‘so your new place is going to need a little stocking up.’ She pulled out a catalogue and started pointing to various items of kitchenware, praising their style and making claims about their versatility and longevity. ‘How would you feel if I was to say that
you
could own some of these