Free Celebutards by Andrea Peyser

inadvertently tripped her up. Paris told him she read the Bible non-stop behind bars. So he asked, “What’s your favorite Bible passage?”
    Paris looked frightened. She stalled. Then she said, “I don’t have a favorite, but…”
    “You read it every day?” Larry asked, incredulously. Paris answered, weakly, “In jail, I read a lot.”
    Within a few days she was back on the party circuit.
    Maybe she’ll use a driver from now on.
    LINDSAY
    Born on July 2, 1986, Lindsay Dee Lohan is the baby of this unholy association, though she runs a good race for the title of World’s Most Troubled Starlet.
    She was born in the Bronx and raised on Long Island, New York, to mother Dina, who has long claimed to be a former Rockette. But the Rockettes have no record of Dina ever dancing for them, nor do they know a Donata Sullivan, as she was once known. One thing is certain, mom Dina has long competed for her actress daughter’s fame, as was evident in the April 2007 issue of Harper’s Bazaar , in which she revealed she sometimes introduces herself as her daughter’s personal assistant. She even lied about her identity to actor George Clooney.
    “I don’t want them to know I’m her mom,” she said. “It’s a whole ’nother demographic. People just go dark.”
    Her father, Michael, was sentenced to four years in prison for securities fraud in the late 1980s, and spent much of his daughter’s teen years behind bars. He was sent back to prison for nearly two years in 2005 for aggravated unlicensed driving and attempted assault. Given a choice, I guess Michael wins the title of worst role model. Lindsay’s parents are divorced.
    Lindsay started acting as a child, and quickly developed into a freckle-faced breath of fresh air, playing wholesome girls with good heads on their shoulders in such films as Freaky Friday and Herbie: Fully Loaded . The camera did not divulge what lay beneath.
    Billionaire and professional celeb pal Brandon Davis gave Lindsay a name that has stuck to her, like a worm to a bottle of tequila. He called her “Firecrotch.”
    Long before she hit the legal drinking age of twenty-one, Lilo, as I think of her, was on the booze. In July 2006, the head of the company producing Lindsay’s flick, Georgia Rule , wrote her a blistering letter complaining about her all-night partying and frequent sick calls.
    “To date, your actions on Georgia Rule have been discourteous, irresponsible and unprofessional,” wrote Morgan Creek’s chief executive officer, James G. Robinson. “You have acted like a spoiled child and in doing so have alienated many of your co-workers and endangered the quality of Georgia Rule. ” He advised her to take heed. She should have listened.
    I think the best way to know Lilo is through her own, incoherent, written ramblings. Her words can be hard to take, painful even, but march through them we must—if only to demonstrate that proper education, good nutrition, and sufficient sleep are paramount to the healthy growth of young women.
    ----
    Her words can be hard to take, painful even, but march through them we must—if only to demonstrate that proper education, good nutrition, and sufficient sleep are paramount to the healthy growth of young women.
----
    Here, then, is the letter Lindsay released to the family of director Robert Altman upon his death in November 2006. Punctuation, spelling and grammar are Lindsay’s:
    “I would like to send my condolences out to Catherine Altman, Robert Altmans wife, as well as all of his immediate family, close friends, co-workers, and all of his inner circle.
    “I feel as if I’ve just had the wind knocked out of me and my heart aches…
    “I learned so much from Altman and he was the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I’ve had in several years.
    “Look in the mirror and thank god for every second you have and cherish all moments.
    “The fighting, the anger, the drama is tedious.
    “Please just take each