Free Celebutards by Andrea Peyser Page A

moment day by day and consider yourself lucky to breathe and feel at all and smile. Be thankful.
    “Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves’ (12st book)—everytime there’s a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on.-altman Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come.
    “God Bless, peace and love always.
    “Thank You,
    “‘BE ADEQUITE’
    “Lindsay Lohan”
    Good gracious—there is more.
    Even as Hollywood collectively reeled from this letter, Lindsay did it again—sending this e-mail to pals and associates barely a month later. You’d believe Lindsay would have learned to think before she hit “send.” At the very least, she might look up the spelling of “adequate.” Here it is:
    “Subject: The way of the future-Howard Hughes once said. I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press if any of you are willing to help. Simply to state my oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people. Also because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see. People are just mean…People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. Simply because they will do it again to someone else, and that is not alright with me. Al Gore will help me….
    (Asked if he had promised to help little Lindsay, the former Veep had no clue what she was talking about.) “If he is willing to help me, let’s find out. Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan metroplis, and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK. I’d really like to fix things and refuse to stop on any account for these unintelligent, vulgar people who like to hurt other people. Not just me, but everyone. I’m willing to hold a press conference and I will do anything necessary to do so. In putting an end to ‘these people’ trying to put an end to me and belittle me as well as try to be the demise of me after all I’ve gone through and done at such a young and tender age in a womans life…So let’s start now, rather than waste time. Do you agree? Because I’m doing it either way. The way of the future. Thank you for your time. Your Entertainer, Lindsay Lohan Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry from T-Mobile.”
    In the annals of celebutardom, Memorial Day weekend, 2007 stands out as most memorable. That is, if Lindsay can remember it at all.
    Still the tender age of twenty, she was popped for drunken driving after crashing her Mercedes against a curb in Los Angeles, where cops recovered what they termed a “usable amount” of cocaine in her jeans. She would later say she did not know whose jeans she was wearing. Later that weekend, in a photograph beamed to newspapers throughout the globe, Lindsay was seen in her SUV outside a Hollywood nightclub at 3 A.M ., wearing a gray sweatshirt, fast asleep, with her mouth agape.
    She checked into Promises, a spa-like, celebrity-friendly drug and alcohol rehabilitation establishment in Malibu, California, where she quietly spent her twenty-first birthday. But fresh out of rehab, her assistant quit, and Lindsay grew enraged. She proceeded to commandeer an SUV in which three men were sitting, and allegedly took off, speeding, through Los Angeles. When she was stopped by cops, the men claimed she shouted, “I wasn’t driving. The black kid was driving.”
    Like Paris before her, Lindsay was shipped to the Century Regional Detention Center—for eighty-four minutes, not even long enough to drive there on the freeway. At least she beat Nicole Richie, who was shipped to jail for driving under the influence, and spent eighty-two minutes behind bars.
    Lindsay followed this act by posing naked for a 2008 New York magazine spread, in which she was done up to look like poor-man’s Marilyn Monroe. At age twenty-one, she looked strangely worn. And far older than her years.
    In