Free The World According to Humphrey by Betty G. Birney

Club. And that clipping over there. . . .” He pointed toward the spot where the overhead projector had once stood. “And you! I know you had something to do with it. I just can’t figure out what. Anyway, don’t tell anybody, but someday, I’m going to marry Maria. And when I do, I want you to be best man. Or best hamster, I guess. I really mean it. If you were a guy, I’d buy you a burger.”
    He reached in his pocket and pulled out a little piece of foil. “Instead, I got you this.” He unwrapped a piece of carrot and put it in my cage.
    “Thank you, Aldo,” I squeaked. “I wish you lots of happiness.”
    “I knew you’d be happy for me, Humphrey.” Aldo smiled and then jumped up. “Whooo! I’ve got so much energy, I can clean this room in half the time. I could climb a mountain and not even get tired! I could conquer the world!” He leaned forward and grinned through his glorious mustache. “Ain’t love grand?”
    “If you say so,” I replied.
    I’d never seen anyone so happy before. The only thing that would make me that happy would be if Ms. Mac came back.
    She’s not coming back.
    And I’m still stuck with Mrs. Brisbane. And she’s stuck with me.
    Say, what did she mean when she said she doesn’t take me home because her husband’s sick? Did she mean she would take me home if her husband wasn’t sick?
    I thought about it all night and came up with this answer: NO-NO-NO.
    She doesn’t take me home because she doesn’t like me.
    Maybe I’m lucky after all.
    TIP TEN: Hamsters are incredible acrobats and climbers. They seem to defy the laws of gravity.
     
    Guide to the Care and Feeding of Hamsters, Dr. Harvey H. Hammer

11
    TV or Not TV
    W ow! Friday was a great adventure because A.J. took me on the school bus. It was noisy and smelly and very, very bumpy, and just about everyone on the bus wanted to get a good look at me, including the driver, Miss Victoria.
    It was exciting—almost too exciting because A.J. couldn’t hold my cage steady and I was slipping and sliding and bouncing until I was quite dizzy.
    “Sorry, Humphrey. I’m trying to hold still,” A.J. told me as someone bumped his elbow and sent me sprawling on the floor of my cage.
    “It’s all right,” I squeaked weakly.
    The bus let us off close to A.J.’s house. It was a two-story old house with a big porch. As soon as I entered, I got a warm welcome from A.J.’s mom, his younger brother, Ty, his little sister, DeeLee, and his baby brother, Beau.
    “Anthony James, introduce us to your little friend,” his mom said, greeting us.
    Anthony James? Everybody at school called A.J. by his initials or just “Aje.”
    “This is Humphrey,” he answered.
    “Hello, Humphrey,” said Mrs. Thomas. “So how was your day, Anthony?”
    “Lousy. Garth kept shooting rubber bands at me. He won’t leave me alone.”
    “But you two used to be friends,” his mother said.
    “Used to be,” said A.J. “Until he turned into a JERK.”
    Mom patted her son on the shoulder. “Well, you’ve got the whole weekend to get over it. Now take Humphrey into the den and get him settled.”
    Mrs. Brisbane called him Lower-Your-Voice-A.J. because A.J. always talked extra loud in class. I soon noticed that everybody at A.J.’s house talked extra loud. They had to, because in the background the TV was always blaring.
    Now, every house I’ve been in so far has had a TV. Even Ms. Mac had a TV, and I enjoyed some of the shows I’d seen with her.
    There’s one channel that has nothing but the most frightening shows about wild animals attacking one another. I mean wild, like tigers and bears and hippopotamuses. (Gee, I hope that’s not on our vocabulary test in the near future.) Those shows make me appreciate the protection of a nice cage. As long as the lock doesn’t quite lock.
    There’s another channel that only has people in funny-looking clothes dancing and singing in very strange places. It makes me glad that I have a fur coat and don’t