Free Five Television Plays (David Mamet) by David Mamet

Litko.
    (C LORIS nods. )
    J OHN: Albert has been locked in . . .
    C LORIS: Uh huh . . .
    J OHN: And would like to be shown the way out.
    C LORIS: Glad to do it.
    J OHN ( rising ): You're in good hands.
    A LBERT: I'm sure. I, uh, well . . . ( He rises and moves to C LORIS. To R UDY: ) Well, It's been a pleasure meeting you.
    R UDY ( rising from his plate ): Likewise.
    (C LORIS begins to lead A LBERT out of the museum. As they move away from the table and into the darkened museum we hear the eating noises of the F ARMERS in the background: ’Anybody want a Snickers?” etc. )
    A LBERT: Someone threw a boomerang at us earlier.
    C LORIS: Goddamn Potawatamies.
    A LBERT: Oh. Does, uh, does anybody know you people are in here?
    C LORIS: Well, of course.
    A LBERT: Oh.
    C LORIS: We are not loafers, we are not moochers. We are not here at the whim of some demented officialdom. We perform a useful agrarian function.
    A LBERT: Yes?
    C LORIS: Yes. Many things. We, uh . . . we polish the cows . . . Many things . . .
    ( As they walk past the entrance to the coal mine they hear singing. They see a group of old men [ some in wheelchairs ] clustered around the entrance, and before them, on a soapbox, is T IMMY, a seventy-year-old man dressed in the style of the thirties. He has on baggy pants, suspenders, a shirt with the collar detached, and a battered felt hat on the back of his head. He is trying to lead the men before him in a rendition of “Miner's Life.” )
    A LBERT: What's that?
    C LORIS: Miners’ meeting.
    A LBERT: Could we watch for a minute?
    C LORIS: You're the guest.
    ( They stop and listen. The song is finished, and T IMMY starts to speak. )
    T IMMY: World's full of freeloaders, friends: “Lemme see what the Union's going to do for me.” Full of fellas kind enough bet on a sure thing came in yesterday. Well, friends, this does not work. This ain't going to make you happy, and it ain't going to make you strong, and it ain't going to build a Union, and there's no way in the world it will. No sir. You don't get strong unless you do the work yourself . . . it's the same if you're down at the face, and it's the same if you're on a picket line. Brothers, here's how you get strong: ( Espies C LORIS. ) Evening, Cloris.
    C LORIS: Evening, Timmy.
    ( The M INERS, severally, say hello to C LORIS, she acknowledges them. )
    T IMMY ( to C LORIS ) : Where was I?
    C LORIS: Right before “You get strong if you are strong.”
    T IMMY: Thank you. ( To M INERS: ) Friends, you get strong if you are strong . . . ( To C LORIS ) : Who's your friend?
    A LBERT: Albert Litko, I got locked in.
    C LORIS: I'm getting him out.
    T IMMY ( confidentially, to C LORIS ) : Nice lookin’ fella.
    C LORIS; Not bad.
    T IMMY ( To A LBERT ) : Timmy O'Shea.
    A LBERT: Pleased to meet you.
    ( They shake hands. )
    T IMMY: Rest of the group: Lars Svenson, Bo Lund, Stosh Zabisco . . . feller in the funny hat's named Harry.
    H ARRY: Hiya, Pal.
    A LBERT: Hi.
    T IMMY ( to A LBERT ) : Why don't you sit down a minute. Holdin’ a meeting.
    A LBERT: Well, thanks, but we're kind of. . . uh, what Union do you work for?
    T IMMY: Don't work for any union. Used to work for the U.M. W of A. Now, I'm on a pension, same's these fellas here. Siddown. ( To M INERS: ) Friends:
    A LBERT: Do you guys actually mine coal in here?
    T IMMY: Nope. All show. Miners're real, though.
    S TOSH: Goddamn right.
    T IMMY: Known Stosh all my life. Grew up together.
    A LBERT: And he never joined the Union?
    S TOSH: Joined the Union 1928. Mass Meeting. John L. on the Dais. Never forget it. Fought all m'life. Dug, fought . . .
    A LBERT: You're a Union member?
    B O : Ve vas all Union.
    A LBERT: But, then, what's the lecture for?
    T IMMY: Pass the time . . . old times . . . bringing back old times. Just passing the time . . .
    B O : Ve vas all in de Union.
    A LBERT: And, uh, what do you do in the Museum now?
    T IMMY: Reminisce.
    A LBERT: Ah.
    T IMMY: Yup.
    H ARRY: We're doin’ a little reminiscin . Ain't been