Free Just Crazy by Andy Griffiths Page A

pushes me away with her other hand. I lose my balance on the bike and fall over.
    She runs back up the hill.
    I pick myself and the bike up, and limp back up the hill, dragging the bike behind me.
    I get back to the house. I’m completely puffed, my leg hurts and Eve is nowhere to be seen.
    I open the front door and walk in.
    I can hear screaming.
    It’s coming from the lounge room.
    I can’t believe what I’m seeing.
    Jemima is hanging onto the overhead fan and swinging around.
    I’ve got to hand it to her. Even I’ve never thought of doing that.

    Beside her there is a stack of furniture — a stool on top of a chair on top of the glass-topped coffee table — and on top of the swaying stack is Eve. She’s poised, her arms outstretched, trying to grab onto the fan as well.
    â€˜Don’t do it!’ I yell, diving towards her. ‘You’ll break it!’
    Too late.
    Eve jumps. She misses the fan and ends up holding onto Jemima’s waist.
    I go crashing into the stack of furniture. It collapses around me. The chair falls onto the coffee table and smashes the glass.
    Jemima is swinging around on the fan, with Eve hanging off her.
    â€˜Wheee!’ screams Eve. ‘This is fun!’
    I run underneath them to try and pull Eve off. I grab her legs, but she won’t let go.
    There’s a cracking noise.
    Eve screams.
    Jemima screams.
    I scream and watch in horror as the fan is wrenched from the ceiling.
    The girls come crashing down on top of me.

    Without thinking, I put my arms around them and roll us all out of the way.
    The fan crashes down onto the carpet, right where we were just lying. The lounge room is covered in white dust and rubble.
    These girls are really out of control.
    I’ve got to stop them before they wreck the whole house.
    But how?
    They won’t listen to me. They only behave in front of adults.
    That’s it!
    I have to disguise myself as an adult.
    And I’ve got just the thing.
    If you don’t stop misbehaving right now I’m going to go and tell Mr Paddywhack!’ I yell.
    â€˜Who’s that?’ they say in unison.
    â€˜He’s a very scary man!’ I say. ‘And he hates naughty children. He’s going to make you behave yourselves!’
    â€˜He sounds stupid,’ says Jemima.
    â€˜All right,’ I say. ‘That does it! I’m going to get Mr Paddywhack right now!’
    Mr Paddywhack is this crazy character Imade up for a school concert last term. I dressed up in a white lab coat, a wig made out of the top of an old mop, a yellow hard hat and a diving mask, and I held a tennis racquet in each hand. It was funny because all the little kids were really scared of me — they thought I was going to whack them with my racquets. That’s how I came up with the name.
    I go up to my room. My costume is still sitting at the bottom of my wardrobe.
    I put on the lab coat, the mop wig, the yellow hard hat and the diving mask.

    I get two tennis racquets from the hall cupboard. I’m not really going to hit them of course. I’m just going to give them a fright.
    I come barrelling down the stairs like a madman waving the racquets above my head.
    Jemima and Eve are jumping on the couch.
    â€˜I SMELL TWO NAUGHTY CHILDREN!’ I yell. ‘AND I’M GOING TO WHACK THEM!’
    â€˜No you’re not,’ says Jemima, studying my face closely.
    â€˜OH YES I AM!’ I yell.
    â€˜No you’re not,’ says Jemima. ‘You’re not even real. You’re just Andy dressed up in a stupid wig and hat.’
    â€˜I’M MR PADDYWHACK!’ I bellow.
    â€˜Where’s Andy then?’ says Jemima.
    â€˜He’s . . . he’s . . .’ I say. I didn’t expect this question.
    â€˜You don’t know where he is,’ says Jemima, ‘ because you’re Andy!’
    Jemima jumps from the couch and grabs the racquets out of my hand. I try to get them back but