Free The Picasso Scam by Stuart Pawson

nondescript doorkey, was on its own; the other two, a Yale and a Chubb, were on a keyring. The note read:
    Ernest,
    PH Tue. PM Thur. Alarm 4297
    It was signed with a stylised ABC, similar to the logo on the vans. He’d obviously spent many hours practising it.
    When I arrived back at ABC House I parked just outside the side door. Looking as if I had every right to be there I tried the Yale key in the lock. It turned. Then I tried the Chubb and that fitted, too. I left the door as I’d found it and set off round to the gatehouse to wait for Gloria. That’s when the diamond mine fell in.
    As I stopped in the road just short of the entrance, a maroon Daimler did a right turn across the front of me. It was driven by the one and only, the inimitable, appearing for the first time in person, Ernest Hilditch,Chief Constable of the East Pennine force. After a brief word the barrier was raised, and soon he was, no doubt, addressing the considerable charms of Gloria. After a couple of minutes he came storming out and slammed the Daimler’s door behind him. As he tore towards the exit the barrier was raised, but he screeched to a halt and leapt out to accost the gateman.
    After a few violent gestures they went into his office. Chief Constable Hilditch was playing at being a policeman, collecting car numbers. Somebody was up Shit Creek with a duff outboard, and it looked like me.
     
    My appetite had gone, so I went straight back to the office. Nigel and Tony Willis were in, going through some cases, solved and unsolved, looking for common denominators.
    I gave them a terse ‘Any messages?’ as I hung up my jacket. It was my I Mean Business entrance.
    ‘Two,’ Nigel told me. ‘Your friend at the Fraud Squad said to tell you that rumour has it that the American private eye firm, Winkler’s, are over here and asking a lot of questions in the shady market. He thinks you may be on to something.’
    ‘Good, and the other?’
    ‘Limbo said be sure not to miss her promotion do tomorrow night.’
    I caught Tony’s gaze and flashed a glance up at aposter on the wall. It was headed: ‘Racism and Sexism’, and went on to say that these would not be tolerated, and any officer hearing racist or sexist language should address it immediately.
    ‘Who’s Limbo?’ I asked him.
    ‘WPC Limbert, Kim Limbert. She moves to the city on the first, as sergeant.’
    We sat in silence for a few moments, then I asked: ‘Have you ever thought that she might find being called Limbo offensive?’
    ‘Gosh, no,’ he confessed, ‘it never occurred to me. Everybody calls her Limbo.’
    ‘Not everybody,’ I stated.
    Nigel was embarrassed at being caught out, and fell silent. I wouldn’t have let him off the hook, but Tony was working with him, so after a while he threw out a lifeline. ‘Do you still fancy Kim, Charlie?’
    I thought about it, leaning back in my chair and looking up at the ceiling. ‘Yes, I think I do, but I’ve stopped dreaming about her. Unless I dream about her and forget.’
    ‘Not enough meat on her for me. I prefer something you can dig your fingers into.’
    Nigel was looking from one of us to the other, growing visibly agitated.
    ‘Naw,’ I disagreed, ‘I like them tall and skinny. It’s like wrestling with a boa constrictor, lots of points of contact and intertwining limbs.’
    Nigel could contain himself no longer. ‘What aboutsexism?’ he demanded, ‘When are you going to start addressing sexism?’
    ‘Good point, boss,’ Tony admitted. ‘When do we start addressing sexism?’
    I thought about it for ten seconds before making my pronouncement: ‘ Mariana ,’ I said.

CHAPTER SIX
    Nobody told me I was sacked, so I carried on as normal. We had a murder during the night and I was called from my bed. That’s fairly normal. Neighbours had heard a couple having a violent fight and the husband had stormed off in his car. Definitely normal. Four hours later, when the eighth playing of Barry Manilow’s Greatest