Free Sinful Purity (Sinful Series) by K.A. Standen

behind a fog. It didn’t have the same control over me that it used to. My knees no longer grew weak at the mere thought of his lips on mine. I knew that Brett thought I had lost my pluck. Zealous nature aside, I did feel like a part of me had died, the part of me that was, well, me. I seemed to fit in better at MIQ than ever, doomed to become just another dreary drone void of any original thought and lacking personality.
    For my seventeenth birthday, Brett surprised me with a cake. It was really thoughtful, so much so that I was reluctant to eat it. The cake itself was beautiful, all round and lovely with pale pink flowers made of frosting. On the top were the words “Happy Birthday to my Lizzie.” I was overcome with emotion.
    “Oh, Brett, it’s beautiful. I can’t believe you remembered my birthday. I love it,” I gushed.
    “Of course I remembered. You’re seventeen today. Only one more year and you’ll be legal,” he teased.
    “Legal for what? To leave here?”
    “Legal for me to have my way with you. Yeah, but you get to be free of here too.” Brett laughed mischievously.
    Quickly feeling the awkwardness of the situation rising to the forefront, I anxiously admitted, “I’ve never had a birthday cake before,” hoping to change the course of the conversation before a pang of desire ripped through me.
    “I didn’t know, Liz, I’m sorry,” he admitted, immediately appearing to retreat inward with guilt.
    “No, Brett. It’s great. It’s truly made my day.”
    Hearing the remorse rise in his voice, I knew the conversation had taken a turn for the worse and was heading down a treacherous slope. But it was too late. I could do nothing to stop it.
    “I should have thought of it before. I don’t know why I didn’t. You just deserve so much more than this.” He continued on his one-way guilt trip.
    “Brett, I don’t know what you think I deserve, but this has been wonderful, more than I could ever hope for.”
    “See, that’s what I mean,” Brett spouted angrily.
    “I don’t understand.”
    “I know you don’t, Liz. Look, I gotta go. Kelly’s sorry she couldn’t make it. She had a school trip or something. Anyway, I better hit the road. I’ll see you, okay?” Brett hurriedly gathered his things, floundering like a fish out of water looking for an escape.
    I know that Brett couldn’t believe I had never had a birthday cake before, but it was really no big deal. I didn’t understand why he felt guilty that he had never thought of a cake in the years prior. He’d brought one now, and it meant the world to me. It seemed like every visit we had recently ended with him feeling guilty and then inexplicably leaving. It was a pattern I did not enjoy and desired to break—soon, if at all possible. I just didn’t know how. I think some part of Brett felt guilty for leaving me here. Like he had failed me somehow. He was in a sinking ship and could only save one person, and he had already chosen. I couldn’t be cross with Brett; he had always been so kind to me. It wasn’t his fault I was stuck here. I just didn’t want him to hurt anymore.
    In a few months I was to make my Confirmation, a kind of adult rite of passage for Catholics. Brett promised he would be there and he would bring Kelly. I couldn’t wait. Excited not only at the thought of seeing both of them again so soon, I knew springtime meant that graduation was only a few months away. Soon I would be free. Free from here, free from the stigma, free from the sisters. I knew that I had to break free from this institutionalized life, and soon. I could feel the fight in me being sucked away, just like my lost fantasies of Brett. I didn’t know why, but I was losing myself.
    First I had to strike a deal with Sister Christine and Father Brennigan. After graduation I would still be seventeen for a few more months. If I wanted to leave the orphanage and start college, I would need their consent.There was also the matter of money: I had none.