Free Fifty Shades Of Sparkling Vampires With Dragon Tattoos That Play Starvation Games by Lacy Maran Page A

Dingaling's wang to grow a second penis
that tried to conquer greater Manhattan," Sleazy greasily
explained.
    Next it was Noble's turn to state his
case. "My name is Noble Knight, but you may know me from any number
of the soup kitchens I run, or tornado relief efforts I have
spearheaded. Today I am going to prove to you without a doubt that
the Crookedashell company manufactured and distributed pills that
they knew could cause a patient to grow an evil second penis hell
bent on world domination. And the worst part is, they just did it
to make a little bit of money off of the back of American
people."
    "Objection, it's an obscene amount of
money they're making. Enough to buy your own chain of private
islands with and go skinny dipping every day," Sleazy
countered.
    ***
    With the opening statements in the
books, things got heated.
    "As my first piece of evidence, I would
like to enter this horribly embarrassing middle school yearbook
picture of Mr. Knight in braces and a bowl cut," Sleazy
said.
    "Objection," Noble yelled. "Bowl cuts
were very popular for that two week stretch in 1996. Plus, this is
not relevant to the case."
    "Noted," Sleazy replied. "Fine, I would
instead like to submit this blue polyester suit pulled directly
from Mr. Knight's closet. And with that, I'd like to say anyone who
would wear this in public is clearly not in the right mental state
to be trying a case."
    "Mr. Nomorals," the Judge barked. "I
have a gavel and I'm not afraid to smash it. But the doctor says I
have to keep my blood pressure down, so if you keep making a circus
of my courtroom, I'll subject you to a slideshow of my trip to the
Spokane Arts and Craft-a-thon."
    Sleazy looked terrified.
    ***
    "Mr. Dingaling, did you not read the
eight hundred pages of side effects before you started taking our
pill? Because it clearly states right here on page 762 that very
vague yet awful things could happen to your wee wee upon using our
pharmaceuticals," Sleazy explained.
    "The warning labels were just so long.
Plus, it was more convoluted than building Swedish furniture,"
Dingaling replied.
    "Bet you didn't read your mortgage
either. Or your twenty five page cell phone contract selling your
soul over to the telecommunication Satan’s of the world. So I say,
is it our fault if you didn't get a cataract reading hundreds of
pages of very ominous legal jargon?" Sleazy asked.
    "I just wanted to be able to pop a
woody again," Dingaling insisted. "Because of your company I grew a
very bitter second penis that needed amputation."
    Sleazy finished up. "You know Mr.
Dingaling, a lot of people would be very happy to have two penises.
But obviously you're just a very ungrateful man."
    ***
    As the case heated up, Noble was
finding that terrible things started happening to him. A set of
stealth mime's toilet papered his house. He started getting
threatening phone calls from rabid raccoons. Then as a last straw
he had to move his family into a ninja retirement home for security
reasons.
    But Noble wasn't about to drop the
case. He couldn't let long arm of big business suffocate the
indomitable American spirit. Besides, a guy had to have a penis
amputated--that could not go unprosecuted. So when time came for
closing arguments, Noble was ready with gusto to spare.
    ***
    "It is a God given American right to
want the biggest boner science can give you," Sleazy argued. "And
if one poor schmuck happens to have problems with his junk the rest
of his life, do you really want to ruin thirty second sex for the
rest of the horny men in America?"
    Sleazy’s speech was rousingly immoral.
But it was nothing compared to the crap Noble was about to pull out
of his ass.
    "I had a noble speech planned," Noble
explained. "But then I scrapped it, for an even more noble one.
This isn't about one man's penis problem. This is about big
business kicking us in the nuts every single of our lives. And this
is your chance to kick right back. So let's grab life by the balls.
Let's tell the nad