doesnât want another woman in his life.â
âI am not the woman in his life.â
âYes, you are, you just donât want to be.â
I leaned against one of the narrow tree trunks. âOh, Jason, what am I going to do?â
âFinish what you started with Nathaniel, be his lover.â
I shook my head. âI donât want that.â
âThe hell you donât. I watch the way you react around him.â
âLust isnât enough, Jason. I donât love him.â
âIâd argue that, too.â
âI donât love him the way I need to.â
âNeed to, for what, Anita? Need to for your conscience? Your sense of morality? Just give him some of what he needs, Anita. Donât break yourself doing it, but bend a little. Thatâs all Iâm asking.â
âYou said the thing on the dance floor was sort of your fault. You never explained that.â
âI told Nathaniel you donât like passive men. You like a little dominance, a little pushiness. Not much, but enough so that you arenât the one that says, Yes, weâll have sex. You need someone to take a little of the responsibility off your shoulders.â
I stared at him, studied that young face. âIs that all it is for me, Jason? I just need someone else to help me spread the guilt around so I can fuck?â
He winced. âThat isnât what I said.â
âClose enough.â
âGet mad, if you want, but that isnât what I said, or what I meant. Get mad at me, but donât take it out on Nathaniel, okay?â
âI was raised that if you had sex it was a commitment. I still believe that.â
âYou donât feel committed to me.â He said it as if it were just a fact, nothing personal.
âNo, weâre friends, and I was sort of a friend in need. But youâre a grown-up, and you understood what it was. Iâm not sure Nathaniel is enough of a grown-up to understand that. Hell, he canât even say no to women who are almost strangers.â
âHe turned down at least three dance offers while we were talking, and I know for a fact that he turned down the beautiful Jessica Arnet for a date.â
âHe did, really?â
Jason nodded. âYep.â
âI didnât think heâd be able to say no.â
âHeâs been practicing.â
âPracticing?â
âHe tells you no sometimes, doesnât he?â
I thought about it. âSometimes he wonât repeat conversations to me, or tell me things. He says Iâll get mad at him, and so I should ask the other person.â
âYou wanted, no, demanded, that Nathaniel be more responsible for himself. You made him get his driverâs license. Youâve forced him to be less dependent, right?â
âYeah.â
âBut you didnât think what it would mean, did you?â
âWhat do you mean?â
âYou wanted him to be independent, to think for himself, to decide what he wanted out of life, right?â
âYeah, in fact, I said almost exactly that to him. I wanted him to decide what he wanted to do with his life. I mean heâs only twenty for Godâs sake.â
âAnd what heâs decided he wants to do is be with you,â Jason said, and his voice was softer, gentle.
âThat is not a life decision. I meant like a career choice, maybe go back to college.â
âHeâs got a job, Anita, and he makes better money as a stripper than most college graduates do.â
âYou canât strip forever,â I said.
âAnd most marriages donât last forever either.â
My eyes must have gotten too wide, because he hurried with his next words, âWhat I mean is that you treat everything like itâs a forever question. Like you canât change your mind later. I donât mean to imply that Nathaniel wants you to make an honest man of him. That never came up,