Free Incubus Dreams by Laurell K. Hamilton Page B

honest.”
    â€œWell, that’s a relief, at least.”
    â€œYou’ll need a pomme de sang for years, Anita. Years.”
    â€œJean-Claude said maybe in a few months I’d be able to feed from a distance, and not need the up close and personal stuff.”
    â€œYou’ve made progress on going longer between feedings, Anita. But you haven’t made much progress on truly controlling the ardeur .”
    â€œI controlled it on the dance floor,” I said.
    He sighed. “You shut it down on the dance floor. That’s not control, not really. It’s like you have a gun, and you can lock it in the gun safe, but that doesn’t teach you how to shoot it.”
    â€œA gun analogy? You’ve been thinking on this for awhile, haven’t you?”
    â€œEver since Nathaniel told me that you hadn’t been allowing him release during the feedings.”
    â€œAllow? He didn’t ask, and how was I supposed to know he wasn’t even doing himself in private? I mean, I didn’t tell him not to.”
    â€œYou can play with yourself, and it feels good, but it doesn’t meet the real need.”
    I pushed my back tight into the tree, as if the solid wood could catch me, because I felt like I was falling. Falling into a chasm so deep that I’d never get out. “I don’t know if I can do Nathaniel and still look at myself in the mirror in the morning.”
    â€œWhy does doing Nathaniel bother you that much?”
    â€œBecause he confuses my radar. I have friends, I have boyfriends, I have people who are dependent on me, people I take care of. I do not fuck the people I take care of. It would be like taking advantage of your position.”
    â€œAnd Nathaniel falls into the taking care of category?” he asked.
    â€œYes.”
    â€œYou think by having sex that you’re taking advantage?”
    â€œYes.”
    â€œThat’s not how Nathaniel sees it.”
    â€œI know that, Jason, now.” I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the roughness of the bark. “Damn it, I want the ardeur under control so I don’t have to keep making these kinds of decisions.”
    â€œAnd if I could wave a magic wand over you and you instantly could control the ardeur , what then? What would you do with Nathaniel?”
    â€œI’d help him find a place of his own.”
    â€œHe does most of the housework around your place. He buys your groceries. He and Micah do most of the cooking. Nathaniel taking care of the domestic stuff is what allows Micah and you both to work all those hours. Without Nathaniel, how would you organize it?”
    â€œI don’t want to keep Nathaniel just to make my life easier. That’s like evil.”
    Jason let out a big sigh. “Are you really this slow, or just driving me crazy on purpose?”
    â€œWhat?” I said.
    He shook his head. “Anita, what I’m trying to say is that Nathaniel doesn’t feel used. He feels useful. He doesn’t need a girlfriend, because he thinks he already has one. He doesn’t want to date, because he’s already living with someone. He doesn’t need to look for a place of his own, because he already has one. Micah knows that, Nathaniel knows that, the only person who doesn’t know that seems to be you.”
    â€œJason . . .”
    He stopped me with a raised hand. “Anita, you have two men who live with you. They both love you. They both want you. They both support your career. Between the two of them, they’re like your wife. There are people in this world who would kill to have what you have. And you’d just throw it away.”
    I just looked at him, because I didn’t know what to say.
    â€œThe only thing that keeps this little domestic arrangement from being perfect for all concerned is that Nathaniel is not getting his needs met.” He stepped in close to me, but the look on his face was so serious that