Free Didn't My Skin Used to Fit? by Martha Bolton

hold meetings? Do they send messages to each other like ‘‘Union meeting today, right hip, two o’clock. Be there’’? I’m pretty sure my fat cells held a meeting there last week while I was busy eating at an all-you-can-eat buffet. After that third plate, I glanced down at my right hip and it looked like a 100 percent turnout! In fact, it looked like they might have been holding a regional convention.
    The way my cheeks have puffed up, I have a feeling they’re gathering for the Million Man Fat Cell March. But why my cheeks? If they really felt the need to congregate somewhere, why didn’t they go where my body could use some added cells? I have a few suggestions, and I’d be more than happy to direct them there, but so far I haven’t been able to figure out how to crash one of their meetings.
    In the meantime, if CBS ever needs a double for its logo, they know where to find me.

    Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.
—Danny Kaye

32

Impatiently Ever After
    We don’t only lose hair and teeth as we grow older, many of us start losing our patience. We just don’t put up with as much as we used to. That’s why you hear about so many ‘‘grouchy old men’’ or ‘‘cranky old ladies.’’ By the time you’re sixty or seventy years old, you’ve had enough. You don’t always know what it is you’ve had enough of, you just know you’ve had enough of it.
    Traffic jams never used to bother me. Now I find myself wishing I had multiple personalities so I could at least drive in the carpool lane.
    Slow food service didn’t affect me either. But lately I’ve noticed when my husband takes me to our favorite romantic restaurant, I start honking the minute I don’t think their drivethru lane is moving fast enough.
    Perhaps you can identify with what I’m saying. When you’re reading Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs for the fourth time to your grandchild, do you find yourself editing the story down to Snow White and the Four Dwarfs just to get it over with sooner? Have you been making Cinderella leave the ball by ten o’clock just because you can’t stay awake until midnight? Has Little Red Riding Hood had to take a taxi to grandmother’s house rather than waste time walking through the forest?
    If the answer is yes to any of the above, your patience level has reached the danger zone. You can help yourself by (1) buying shorter books to read to your grandchildren, and (2) avoiding things that could possibly make your blood pressure rise. These include but are not limited to . . .
    • political campaign speeches;
    • people who never put their cell phone down;
    • telemarketer calls during dinner;
    • broken postage stamp machines;
    • businesses that refuse to put you through to a live person no matter how many buttons you press;
    • dogs who perform barking concerts at two in the morning;
    • closed-minded people who refuse to agree with you no matter how many times you tell them you’re right;
    • people you let cut in front of you who are so impressed with your kindness they let twelve people cut in front of them, too;
    • door-to-door salesmen who spend more time on your porch than the family cat;
    • relatives or friends who only seem to remember your phone number when they need a favor.
    The list of things that cause us to lose our patience continues to grow with each passing year. But there are a few things left that most of us can still be patient about. For one thing, I don’t have any problem with my dentist taking as long as he needs before calling my name—I could wait for hours and never complain. I’m never in a hurry for April 15 to roll around either. And those February deferred credit card statements? They could arrive in August and you wouldn’t hear a peep out of me.
    So you see, impatience doesn’t have to be an inevitable result of aging. It’s up to us whether or not we slow down and enjoy life to the fullest. The sun is going to