Free A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9) by Ichabod Temperance

King Mountainheart, do hearby proclaim this homely little creature to be an honourary dwarf!”
    “Hooray! Ichabod is a dwarf! Hooray!”
    “His quest was fraught with danger! In order to show our appreciation of the great service of his mighty deed, I bestow the hand of our fairest dwarf maiden in marriage upon him.”
    “Woah! Hey, wait a minute, I already got me a gal in Miss Plumtartt, here!”
    “Ho, ho, but Ichs of the Bod, behold, Druscilla CleavageAbyss! She is a good, stout dwarven maiden, is she not? What a beautiful lass. She is but a child really; her beard barely grows past her shoulders.”
    “She’s a lot of dwarf gal, that’s for sure. She sure is healthy, especially up top. I can tell she went to a lot of trouble getting gussied up what with all the fancy ribbons tied into her beard and whatnot.”
    “Aye, boy, aye. It makes you want to hammer your chisel does it not?”
    “Yessir, but I really am stuck on Miss Plumtartt, sir.”
    “Suit yourself, halflet. Is there nothing we can do to show our gratitude? How about a nice chest of gold, hmm?”
    “Nossir, we’re trying to travel light. Actually, we were still hoping you all would let us pass through your mines under the mountain.”
    “It can’t be done, lad. Reconsider the maiden.”
    “As an elder elf, I know the olden ways. There was once a passage under these mountains, king dwarf. The UnderRealm of the Maddened Bolgoths was mined by your ancestors. Grant us an escorted passage through Kreepitoporium! Honour the halflet’s successful quest that we may continue ours.”
    “I hear you Legolamb, but the truth of the matter is, no one has passed beneath these mountains in time immemorable. Evil lurks in the labyrinth. The unruly maze is infested with creatures most foul. Abandon this foolhardy path.”
    “I say, my Good King Mountainheart, we do so wish to make this journey, however perilous it may be. Oh, Magnus, my dear, we beg of thee, allow us to make the attempt.”
    ~batt, batt, batt~
    “Very well, Persephone, I cannot resist those batting eyelashes of yours. You would make a fine dwarf, my child. Ichs should encourage thee to triple thine weight.”
    “Time will tell, upon that front, eh hem?”
    “Ichabod, my young dwarf, I am thy king. Heed my words, lad; if thou goest into the forbidden mines, thee will face horrible monsters of every description.”
    “Gosh, you reckon?”
    “I do. I am concerned at your lack of arms. I would have thee carry a dwarf armament in battle.”
    “Gee, thanks, King Mountainheart. Do you have any suggestions?”
    “I do. The very artifact that you freed from the evil Witch Karrion. I bestow upon thee the Great Pick of the IronEater!”
    “Oh my Goodness, do you mean it, sire?”
    “I do. Here you are, my boy. May you serve each other well.”
    ~gulp~ “Thank you, sire.”
    “King Mountainheart, you cannot send these poor souls to their deaths in the mines. Even if they are not struck dead by perilous traps, or eaten by foul monsters, as soon as we turn them loose, they will surely wander, lost forever in the bewildering mazes. They know not the realms of terror that await in those forbidding passages.”
    “You are correct, Dwarf Strongenfight. That is why you will lead them through. I hereby postpone your horrible detail of being on exterior guard duty, to complete this suicide mission.”
    “Yes, my Liege.”
    “Let all my citizens of Duunnejonia join in song as we send our doomed, if valiant, friends to their undoubted deaths.”
    Fee-fie, ~ fee-foe,
    into peril our heroes go.
    With traps of daggers and cobra pit,
    Long-toothed monsters drool with acid spit.
    Fee-fie, ~ fee-fie,  fee-fie,  fee foe!
     
    ~~~
     
    “Harumph. Being made to bear my own baggage? Really, I do not understand why we did not press a few of those dwarves into service to act as our porters. I have been on several safaris, and I have never had to carry my own supplies. Harumph.”
    “I say, you shall endure, Mr.