Free I'm with You by Glenna Maynard

blow him a kiss. He reaches out to catch my kiss.
    Suddenly I am slipping under the water; it is invading my nose and mouth, “not yet.” I cry out silently in my head. But the force of the water is too strong. I see Harlan smiling at me before I fade to black.
    **
    The next thing I know, I am being pulled from the water. Harlan I smile to myself, but only when I come to it isn’t Harlan watching over me, it’s Cutter.
    “Hey are you with me?” he asks as he lays me on my bed. “Fuck, you are freezing.” He wraps my blanket around me. “Your lips are purple. I can’t leave you alone for a few hours. We made a deal. You can’t back out on a deal Bella.” Cutter gently lifts my naked body and pulls me into a tight embrace.
    A small amount of water trickles from the corners of my mouth. “Fell asleep,” the words barely escape my chattering teeth.
    “You have to stop scaring the shit out of me. Don’t ev er do that again Bella. I came by to see if you wanted to watch a movie with me. I knocked a few times and when you didn’t answer I panicked. I twisted your knob and your door was unlocked. I found you in the tub. I thought you were dead.” He holds me tighter as the color returns to my lips and my body temperature rises. “Am I going to have to handcuff us together in order for me to keep you alive?”
    “I do like the sound of cuffs, kinky,” I try to laugh but my throat is a little sore.
    “Don’t tempt me, I will buy a pair.”
    We stay entwined together on my bed in silence for what seems like hours doing nothing at all. Cutter just simply holds me.
    “You need to put some clothes on, if you get sick, your Gram will blame it on my motorcycle. Then I won’t be able to let you convince me to let you drive it.” He reaches me a flannel from my closet, and gives me few minutes to get dressed.  I don’t feel like getting fully dressed so I put on a bra, the flannel and a pair of boy briefs.
    Cutter returns minutes later and rejoins me on my bed. He strokes my hair trying to soothe me but I can’t feel his touch. I can’t feel anything but the poison. I have no emotions, I am numb. I need to feel the razors edge.
    I notice him staring at the wounds on my thigh. He runs his fingers over them gently. “You are too beautiful to be doing this to yourself. I understand the why, I just wish you wouldn’t.” He trails his fingers back up my sides almost brushing one of his hands over my breasts.
    “Please Cutter I don’t want to feel the pain of my nightmares again, make this real. I need us to be real.” I roll over onto my side and I hand him a razor blade from my night stand. He doesn’t seem turned off by what I have asked of him. He looks more intrigued than anything else. I figure it will freak him out and he will leave.
    He takes a deep breath and hesitates. “Are you sure you want me to?” I nod as a tear escapes the reservoir that is holding them in. Is really going to do this for me, I did state earlier that I thought if I asked him to do bad things with me he would. I guess I was right.
    He drags the razor over the inside of my thigh, “Can you feel it Bella— is the pain there.”
    “It hurts so fucking much Cutter. Bleed it out of me, take my nightmares away.” He presses the blade deeper. The blood trickles down my thigh.
    He puts his thumb over my wound. “I know you feel the cut now Bella, don’t make me do this.”
    Tears are leaking from his eyes, but I need this from him. I need to know what is happening between us is real. He barely breaks my skin.
    “I can’t feel you Cutter, make me feel you, go deeper. I need you to make the pain stop.” Picking the blade up from the lightly blood stained sheet; he rubs his fingers over the cold metal and takes a deep breath. He draws in another deep breath — whoosh, he exhales.
    He comes close once more, gripping the cold metal blade; he doesn’t hesitate to make a deeper cut on the opposite leg. This time cutting me in the