Free Cut Both Ways by Carrie Mesrobian

Macy’s or whatever. The second I lie down I can feel how exhausted I am and before I know it I’m asleep.
    Later, though, I wake up, because Angus is getting in the bed. My back is to him but I feel the mattress shift and the covers flip up. Then I feel him, beside me. Feel his hand slip across my back, over my shoulder. Feel him move against me so I turn myself, eyes still closed, all the way toward him. I feel his mouth on my mouth again and it’s just like the other time. Natural. Normal. But this time there is no stopping. No glasses between our faces. And I’m not just lying there. It’s like I’m asleep, but I know what I’m doing. I like what I’m doing. I feel his chest and it’s so smooth. I have more hair than he does. His hands are all over me too. His hair falls into my eyes. It’s so relaxing, but, like with Brandy, my body’s all tight too. Everywhere alive. I don’t know if it’s the weed or the kissing and touching.
    I stop kissing for a minute. My hand’s on his stomach. Angus’s mouth is down around my jaw.
    Angus says, “Are you okay, Will?”
    And I don’t say anything, but I know it’s okay. I kiss him again instead of saying it and then my hand goes down lower, where we’re both hard. And then it’s like we just know exactly what to do. Underwear gets pushed down, sheets and covers move out of the way, and he’s got my dick in his hand and I’ve got mine onhis and it feels like being in a mirror, holding and being held and there’s no wondering involved. It’s automatic. Perfect. So we get to it. Get each other off.
    It’s not like regular jerking off. Well, it is. But it’s so much better. I wonder if Brandy did this, would it feel the same? Better? Or worse? Maybe it’s just because I’m surprised about how it’ll go, unlike when it’s my own hand and I know what’ll happen next. Maybe because Angus is a guy and knows what feels good?
    We’re so quiet, but I don’t know why. No one’s here except us. But he’s quiet, so I am too. Nothing but the slurpy sounds of our hands on each other’s dicks. Which is gross and embarrassing but unmistakable. Maybe that’s why we don’t talk? Nothing but that sound, until Angus’s voice catches in his throat and he comes. And then I can’t help it and I come too.
    A minute later, he gets one of his towels hanging off a chair and we wipe everything off. Our hands, our stomachs, everything. It kind of erases the whole thing out. Smooths it over. Makes it less gross in my mind, or something. Makes it so I’m forgiving myself.
    My body feels chilled with the air-conditioning. We’re still not saying anything, though I am breathing harder than a motherfucker. So’s he.
    And then, even though I think we shouldn’t, I can tell he’s going to fall asleep. I think maybe we should figure this out. Talk about what the hell this is. Because it’s like I’m gay again. But I just can’t find the words. So we fall asleep, my back to him, buthis hands around me. When I wake up next, the sun’s just coming up and when I sit up, he opens his eyes and looks at me.
    It’s blurry, because my glasses are on the dresser, but I kiss him on the mouth. No tongue, because I can’t stay. I get dressed, put on my glasses. I don’t look at him, though I know he’s watching me. I leave without saying good-bye.

UNCORRECTED E-PROOF—NOT FOR SALE
    HarperCollins Publishers
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FIVE
    ONCE THE ROOF comes off my dad’s house, things change. There’s insurance money and not so much with the Craigslist runs. Roy doesn’t look hesitant anymore. The mismatched work crews of friends who owe my dad favors show up. There are coolers of beer and grill-outs and long days and nights. There’s even an actual roofing crew