Free Short Back and Sides by Peter Quinn

They’re everywhere now.
    Customer: Well, they were going through so many each day that the staff were confused. So they were keeping an eye, and they found that the prisoners were drinking them!
    Barber: They have a lot of alcohol in the gel. It’s probably like vodka if you mix it with orange juice. You must see some sights in there!
    Customer: I do, but my favourite is the retro page-3 girls. Depending on how long the lads have been there, they could have pictures on their cell wall from the day they arrived. Someone serving time since the eighties would have pictures of Sam Fox or Linda Lusardi. It’s a real blast seeing them again.
    Barber: Wow, that was so long ago. Lusardi is in ‘Emmerdale’ now.
    Customer: She’s wearing more clothes now! Still a good-looking woman, though.
Shane MacGowan’s tipple
    10 October 2009
    A barman from Eamonn Doran’s (recently closed) told me this story:
    Customer: Shane MacGowan was in Doran’s a while ago. I think he’s a friend of Dermot Doran. Anyway, he asked me for a pint of gin and lemon. ‘Okay,’ I said. ‘Do you want lemon cordial or fizzy lemon?’ ‘No,’ he says, ‘a slice of lemon!’
Paddy Hitler
    14 October 2009
    Customer: Did you know Hitler’s brother worked in the Shelbourne Hotel as a waiter?
    Barber: Ah, that’s not true.
    Customer: It is true. He was a confidence trickster. He pretended to be a wealthy Austrian hotel-owner on a tour of Europe, and he ended up marrying a woman from Clondalkin. I’m telling you, look it up. See for yourself. His son was called Paddy Hitler.
    Barber: Come on, now, I know you’re having me on. Paddy Hitler?
    Customer: You can say what you want, but that’s a true story!
Short-sighted
    15 October 2009
    Customer: I had laser surgery on my eyes the other day!
    Barber: I hear that works really well.
    Customer: It’s fantastic. It’s like high definition. I was at a match the day after the surgery, and I could see the ball so clearly. Before it was just a blur!
    Barber: I have that problem, but I never considered laser surgery. I can see perfectly close up, but I can’t see anything clearly if it’s far away.
    Customer: You should try it. You won’t believe how good it is. I decided to get my eyes done after I was waiting on a bus one day and I put my hand out to stop a Brennan’s Bread van!
Remodelling
    17 October 2009
    Customer: I’d like a new style. Can you use a different bowl this time?
    Barber: Smartarse!

On John O’Donoghue
    25 October 2009
    Customer: Did you see John O’Donoghue was flying up and down from Kerry to Dublin with his driver going earlier in the car so it would be there when he arrived? We were paying for an empty car going across the country. Spending like there was no tomorrow!
    Barber: I heard someone on the radio say he was living on the other side of the wardrobe—in Narnia!
White overnight
    27 October 2009
    Customer: Take those hairs out of the ears there. Wait till you get to my age, they start growing everywhere except where they should. Did you know that?
    Barber: Did I know what?
    Customer: A good fright will turn the hair white overnight.
    Barber: Ah, that’s just an old wives’ tale.
    Customer: Well, you might say that, but I knew a woman years ago who had a terrible shock with the bangers in the letterbox at Halloween. She was watching ‘The Late Late Show’, and didn’t some kids throw a couple through the door. She was the nervous type, you know. When she came home from the hospital her own family didn’t know who she was! The hair had turned white overnight! The whole lot. And she had some head of hair. ‘She won’t go bald,’ they used to say. Take those hairs off the neck there. That’s better. Is it still raining? I’ll run down to the pub and have a pint—stay in out of the rain.
    Barber: Sounds like a good plan to me. Watch