Free Into the Wild Nerd Yonder by Julie Halpern

actually say, “I guess. But if you’re not back by two, I’m going upstairs to bed and you can just sleep outside.” I try to be tough, but Bizza gives me a giant squeeze. “Thanks, Jess. We owe you.” I can only imagine what currency Bizza thinks she can pay me back with—betrayal? Annoyance? How about complete and utter lack of respect? She’s rich with that.
    I flop down on the basement couch and watch Barrett say good-bye to Eric and Pete. “Sorry, guys,” he says. “It hasn’t been working for a long time.”
    “The ’Hoppers won’t be the same without you, man.” Eric’s handshake with Barrett turns into a backslap hug. Do guys think this makes them look more manly?
    “Yeah, man, I mean, where will we practice?” Pete smacks Barrett’s back and gives him the ’Hoppers secret shake.
    “Later.”
    Barrett sinks down next to me on the couch. “I guess it’s just you and me, Jess,” he says, shutting his eyes. I know hemeans right here at this moment it’s just the two of us, but I can’t help but feel like maybe Barrett’s all that’s left. Have I lost my two best friends to punk? And what about when Barrett leaves for college? Will it be just me?
     
     
    I fall asleep on Barrett’s shoulder until I hear giggly knocking coming from the outside door that leads into the kitchen. I take the stairs two at a time so they don’t wake up my parents.
    Bizza and Char reek of cigarette smoke, and they barely notice when I open the door for them without speaking. I walk upstairs to my bedroom, and they quietly follow until we’re all inside and the door is closed. Silently, I put on a T-shirt and climb into bed. I roll into a ball, pull the blanket over my head, and face the wall.
    “Jess,” Bizza whisper-yells. “We had so much fun!”
    “You can tell me about it tomorrow. Go to bed.”
    I drift off to their inaudible whispers and shuffling sleeping bags. When I wake up early Sunday morning, they are both sound asleep. I look at Bizza and Char and remember the countless sleepovers together, when we used to set up haunted houses and puppet shows, Barbie beauty pageants and couch forts. Next to them now are piles of black clothes, heavy boots, and mall punk accessories. Even though we slept together in the same room, there isn’t an ounce of togetherness left between me and the two of them. I still can’t help but wish there were.

 
     

chapter 13
    WHEN BIZZA AND CHAR FINALLY wake up, it’s already time for lunch. My family plans to go on a bike ride all afternoon, so I have a good excuse to make them leave.
    As they pack up their stuff, Char says, “Thanks for covering for us last night, Jess. We never could have gotten out if we stayed at Bizza’s house with that jacked-up alarm system they have.”
    “No problem,” I say, but not in a happy-go-lucky, “no problem” way. More of a “like I had a choice” way. I’m definitely confused as to how Char even fits into this whole Van equation. As much attention as she gets from guys, she’s always been good about not getting, or at least not acknowledging, attention from
my
guys. And this my guy is now sort of Bizza’s guy, so I doubt she’s going along with this for the Van benefits. But why isn’t Char saying anything about how weird this all is? Still, she baked my favorite treats (not just for me, but I partook), and she did thank me. These are my best friends. I can’t just dismiss that.
    I get no thank-you from Bizza, but instead, “So what timewill Barrett pick us up tonight? How about around eight?” I just love how Bizza can ask a question and give me the answer at the same time.
    “I don’t know if we’re still going. I mean, with the breakup of the Crudhoppers and all.” Seeing as the hurt party is my brother, my hesitation should make sense.
    “Come on, Jess, it won’t be any fun without you.” Bizza tries to look all sweet, but who is she kidding? She’ll be so busy jonesing for the attention of others that