Free Delete This at Your Peril by Bob Servant Page A

people came in they would literally have to trek to the counter, using a machete to get through the vines and avoid being attacked by the lions. These would be large paper mache lion heads that I would wear, popping up from behind the foliage and roaring in their ears.
    Let me know if you think you could help,
    Yours,
    Bob
    ----------------------------------
    From: Joseph Udeze
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: I am waiting…
    Dear Bob,
    Nice talks … I shall be willing to render assistance if you can give to mefurther details. You have made a nice catch! How can I help with this enterprise?
    Thanks,
    Joseph.
    ----------------------------------
    From: Bob Servant
    To: Joseph Udeze
    Subject: What I need
    Joseph,
    That is great news. What I need is this - an African team that can come up with sizzling African dishes that the cafe can cook. And, fuck me Joseph, I need it now. What do you think? I would need full recipes and would be willing to pay $500 for each one. Right now, I urgently need two genuine African recipes for which I will pay $1,000 by Western Union.
    I need –
    The name of the dish
    The ingredients needed
    Instructions for cooking
    I am incredibly excited about this. I am going to close the cafe next week and start the work on it.
    Yours,
    Bob Servant
    ----------------------------------
    From: Joseph Udeze
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: OK
    Dear Bob,
    I have just read your mail, and I am sure that gradually I understand what you are talking about. All is well and like I assured you before now, I can do that for you. Africa as continent has a lot of dishes, but if I am to get correct answers to your request, then I have to concentrate on Nigerian dishes which I am very familiar with. I shall be responding further in that regards. Thanks for consulting me!
    Joseph.
    ----------------------------------
    From: Bob Servant
    To: Joseph Udeze
    Subject: An announcement
    Joseph,
    I hereby appoint you –
    HEAD OF MENU CONSULTATION at UNCLE BOB’S AFRICAN ADVENTURE.
    That’s right, you’ve got it. I have given you an opportunity Joseph, do not let me down,
    Uncle Bob
    ----------------------------------
    From: Joseph Udeze
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: My true position on the matter
    Dear Bob,
    I have read your mail this morning and it is my sincere wish to help you. Like I stated, I am a lawyer by profession and as such would want to handle any transaction that I am having with anybody legally so that we don’t end up misunderstanding ourselves. Before we can commence actions please forward your full personal details.
    Meanwhile I have consulted a specialist in Food Technology and that is to give to you the best of satisfaction in your demand. An investment has to be made and that is why I need to be assured that you would not let me down because as a professional in that field, I am required to pay to him consultation fees. Let me know your considerations over this.
    Thanks and I am wishing you a successful endeavour.
    Joseph U.
    ----------------------------------
    From: Bob Servant
    To: Joseph Udeze
    Subject: Sounds good
    Joseph,
    Good to hear from you my friend. Things are coming along really well here. Old Joan, who works behind the counter, has taken it upon herself to start learning Swahili, which is a lovely touch. I think she was worried that I was going to sack her and get in someone younger and more exotic when we reopen and it’s great to see the staff on their toes like this.
    I have a very, very good feeling about UNCLE BOB’S AFRICAN ADVENTURE. I think we are going to wipe the floor with the competition,in particular ARCHIE’S PIT STOP. Archie and I used to be friends until one night a few years ago. We were at the bowling club getting pissed up and I stupidly told Archie how well my cafe was doing.
    He’d just got £20,000 redundancy from the Michelin and the next thing you know the bastard has opened up ARCHIE’S PIT STOP one hundred yards down the road from the cafe.