Free Delete This at Your Peril by Bob Servant

said ‘Bob’ so I said, ‘But that’s my name’ and he said that I should call it ‘Bob the Dog’ so I don’t get confused.
    It was hard walking home with Bob, he didn’t seem to be listening to anything I said but we’re back now and I think he’s sleeping. I’m sorry about the money thing but I hope that you can maybe come over hereusing your own money and I’ll pay for the groceries. And the food for Bob. Bob the Dog I mean, not me.
    Love,
    Bob. Not Bob the Dog! He wouldn’t be able to write!

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    From: Alexandra
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: Re: a rollercoaster of a day
    Fuck you! To me has bothered to read your delirium
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    No Reply
    Â 
    9 . This man is not Bob Servant. I have no idea who he is, but the fish looks like a mirror carp.
    10 . There is no record of the former international goalkeeper turned television presenter Bob Wilson ever having physically attacked a jockey, either on or off air.
    11 . This email was indeed sent by Bob on Christmas Day, an impressive dedication to his hobby, and this entire exchange was very intense, with up to a dozen emails a day between Christmas Day and New Year. When I mentioned this to Bob he pointed out that he refuses to watch television at that time of year because of the special festive scheduling (which he describes as ‘an insult to his intelligence’) and so had a fair amount of time on his hands.
    12 . No bowling club in the Broughty Ferry area admits to holding such an event.
    13 . Although no exact measure can be given (you do not need a licence to purchase an ostrich, which I found surprising) a quick check with local RSPCA officials suggests that this claim is untrue.

4
Uncle Bob’s African Adventure
    From: Joseph Udeze
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: Are you interested?
    Dear Good Friend,
    I am Joseph Udeze, solicitor at law. I am the personal Attorney To Mr Christian Clark, a national of your country, who lived in Nigeria. In May 2000, my client was killed in a car accident in Kano. The bank where he had an account of $9.5m has issued me a notice to provide the beneficiary or have the account confiscated within 20 days.
    Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives, I now seek your consent to present you as the beneficiary of the $9.5m. If you agree, we can discuss your percentage. Please i will like you to send to me your full name and address, private telephone and fax number for easy communication.
    Best regards,
    Barr. Joseph Udeze (Esq.)
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    From: Bob Servant
    To: Joseph Udeze
    Subject: Good morning
    Joseph,
    I cannot help you with the Clarky stuff, but if you can prove that you live in Africa then I have a business proposal for you,
    Your Servant,
    Bob Servant
    ----------------------------------
    From: Joseph Udeze
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: FURTHER DETAILS
    Dear Bob,
    Yes! I live in Africa and as such would be ready for your proposal.
    Thanks,
    Joseph
    ----------------------------------
    From: Bob Servant
    To: Joseph Udeze
    Subject: Now we’re talking…
    Joseph,
    Listen my new pal, I have an idea that I would like to run past you. I think, and hope, that it will blow your socks off. I have a small cafe here in Broughty Ferry. We mostly work off the taxi drivers and posties, you know the drill – sausages (link and square), bacon rolls, meths. You’d be amazed at the meths we shift Joseph. Around half the posties that work out of Dundee East Sorting Office are on the meths day and night. I heard from Tommy Peanuts that a couple of them actually get paid in meths. 14
    Anyway, to cut a long story short, I want to give the cafe a total overhaul. I’m happy to close the place down for two weeks and really go to town on it.
    What I’m thinking is this –
    UNCLE BOB’S AFRICAN ADVENTURE
    I would fill the place with plants and trees and make it really dark. When