Free Seth Baumgartner's Love Manifesto by Eric Luper

as far away from myself as I can. It’s weird having them around when Audrey is in the room.
    Audrey picks one up and absently flips through it. “Do you want her back?” she asks me.
    â€œGet out of here.” Dimitri flings a pillow at her.
    She smacks it aside and turns to me. “Do you want her back?” she says, this time more intently. “If Veronica came begging for forgiveness, would you take her back?”
    I’m not sure what to say. I want to say yes, but I also want to say no, and it all comes out at once. “Yeah, I guess. Maybe. It doesn’t matter. She doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
    â€œForget about that,” Audrey says. “Figure out if you want to get back with her. The important question is whether it’s the right thing for you. If it is, make her a list.”
    â€œA list?”
    â€œSure.” Audrey crosses her legs. A blue flip-flop dangles from her toes. “Make a list of all the reasons you love her.”
    â€œYeah,” Dimitri adds. “You can call it ‘Seth Baumgartner’s Lame-Ass List of Reasons He Loves Veronica.’”
    I ignore Dimitri and think on Audrey’s suggestion. It’snot the worst idea I’ve ever heard—Veronica did challenge me to list ten things I loved about her. Under pressure, I couldn’t put together five. Given a week, I probably could think of a few hundred. Plus, if she read all the reasons at once, maybe she’d understand why I couldn’t list just a few. It’d be like looking at a mosaic instead of at all the individual tiles. It would add up to something bigger.
    Audrey grabs another catalog and flips through the pages. “Hey, Dimitri, are you the one who folded the corner of this page down?” She spins the catalog to face him. The page is covered with girdles that have built-in padding to make a woman’s backside look bigger.
    Dimitri studies the catalog. “I thought you could use some help in that area,” he says.
    â€œYeah, I think I’m all set.”
    â€œAre there really women who want their asses to look bigger?” I say.
    â€œBig booties are all the rage,” Audrey says, gazing at the pages.
    â€œI guess….”
    â€œYou guess what?”
    â€œI don’t know,” I say. “Wouldn’t it be weird to hook up with a girl and discover she’s wearing a giant pair of elastic underwear with fake ass-cheek implants in them?”
    â€œNo different than a guy who stuffs his underwear,” Audrey says.
    â€œGuys don’t really stuff their underwear, do they?” I say.
    â€œI wouldn’t know about that,” Audrey says.
    â€œWomen are a wily bunch,” Dimitri says. “The ass girdle helps them create an illusion. Like makeup and high heels help them create an illusion. Guys, on the other hand, we’re much more straightforward. What you see is what you get.” He grabs his belly and jiggles it. “Chub and all.”
    â€œCharming,” Audrey says.
    Dimitri clears his lap of catalogs. “Let’s go grab a Rosie O’Donnell burger at Poindexter’s. This caveman is freakin’ hungry.” Dimitri turns to Audrey. “You want to tag along?”
    â€œIt’s only been an hour since you ate lunch over there,” she says.
    â€œWhat’s your point?”
    â€œI’ll never figure you out, big brother. Anyhow, thanks but no thanks. Kevin is picking me up in a few minutes.”
    â€œWho’s Kevin?” I ask.
    Just then a horn honks in the driveway. I glance out the window to see a bright yellow Wrangler idling in front. The top is down, and a blue-and-green surfboard sticks out of the backseat. A skinny guy gets out and pushes a mop of brown hair from his face. He’s holding a bouquet of dandelions.
    Audrey springs up.
    Dimitri looks out over my shoulder. “Kevin is some guy Audrey is dating to piss off my