Free Kev by Mark A Labbe Page B

chance of escaping from
experiencing all of my horrible nightmares, thinking if it weren’t
real it would not be able to make that happen. “It’s real,” I
said.
    “Sorry, Turd Fondler, it is not real. Do you
really think there is something that can end the universe based on
your nightmares?”
    “Well, I don’t know. Maybe. So, what happens
now?”
    “I just got word from our producer. We are
going to simulate what it would be like if the Proth Sphere were
real. Of course, only you will get to experience that.”
    Without warning, I felt something connect to
my mind, and then for what seemed like an eternity, I relived every
nightmare I had ever had, this simulation so real that I thought it
was really happening. The only good thing I experienced was a long,
happy life with the girl, but of course it was just a simulation.
Oddly enough, I didn’t experience my nightmare about the end of the
universe. The horrors ended and I collapsed, breathless and
terrified. Once I recovered and picked myself up, I said, “What’s
next?”
    A little red cube appeared, floating in front
of me, unmarked in any way. I had seen that cube before. What was
it? Where had I seen it?
    “What is it?” I said.
    “We don’t know.”
    “Then how do you know if it is real or
not?”
    “Trust me, we know.”
    I had nothing to go on other than my memory
of seeing it before so I said, “It’s real.”
    “Right you are, Turd Fondler. Now take it.
It’s yours.”
    “What if I don’t want it?” I said, thinking
it possible that this thing would do something awful if I took
it.
    “Take it, or you lose the game.”
    “If I lose the game will I have to go through
any more challenges?”
    “If you lose the game we will kill you.”
    I grabbed the red cube out of the air. “Can I
go home now? I’m getting really sick of this.”
    “Folks,” said B24ME. “We’re going to take a
commercial break.”
    I picked the blue cube up off the ground and
said, “Cube, take me home.”

 
    Back home, I put on some clothes and then
headed out to get a much needed drink. As I approached the bar I
noticed something on the ground. I drew closer, now able to see
that this was human remains. Well, mostly it was just a skeleton
with bits of flesh hanging off of it. Surrounding the skeleton I
saw flesh splattered everywhere. Thoughts of Clive ran through my
head.
    I raced into the bar to get help, but was
horrified to see the remains of at least twelve people on the
floor, the entire bar covered with bits of flesh and effluent. On
the television above the bar I saw what looked like a newsroom with
the remains of some unfortunate soul sitting behind a news desk.
Aputi had killed everyone. I let that sink in.
    “Welcome back, folks. We’re here with Turd
Fondler. He has just discovered that Aputi wiped out the human
race. Well, he might have saved three million, but who knows?” said
B24ME.
    “Not right now,” I said, trying to keep
myself calm, but doing a lousy job of it, my breathing ragged, my
body shaking.
    “Oh, come on, Turd Fondler. There isn’t much
you can do about it now. Let’s move on to the next challenge, shall
we? We’ll take you somewhere nice and help you take your mind off
of things. In fact, we are going to send you to beautiful Gamma
War, a wonderful tropical paradise orbiting a rather nasty black
hole.”
    I appeared on a beach on Gamma War. Looking
out, across the ocean, I saw a nearby star hovering over the
horizon and two moons up above. Around me on the beach I saw many
diverse aliens, all of them naked. Off the beach I saw a building
with a sign that read, “Tourist Information.”
    “Okay, B24ME, I’m here. What’s the
challenge?”
    “Sorry, Turd Fondler. We seem to be having
technical difficulties. We’ll be right back.”
    A pale blue alien with orange eyes and a
cigarette dangling from its lipless mouth approached me and said,
“Sir, this is a nude only resort. You are going to have to
disrobe.” Had I