Free Waiting Period by Hubert Selby

alive. Legs move, feet go up and down … and forward, heartbeats, lungs breathe in air … and exhaust fumes, and smog, and other forms of pollution. Keeps us alive. Bodies need poison. Withdrawals without it. Toxin-free airs a killer. Trade places with a Hunza and we/d both drop dead. Can deal with this. This air, no pollution, crystal clean water, apricot pits. No thanks. Not even a bagel with lox and cream cheese. Thats not living. Pizza. Egg rolls. Cafe latte. I prefer civilization. I am a civilized man. Product of. Member of. Endorser of. Proponent of. Proselytizer for. The simple and ecstatic pleasure of civilization. Like so: I feel the air and sunshine around me, feel the warmth of my blood from walking, push open the doors and feel the cool air, smell the food, uuummmmm, hear the clatter and chatter, see and feel the hustle and bustle. Ahh, civilization, I embrace you.
    One?
    Yes, just one.
    You ready to order?
    Yes. A couple of eggs, hash browns, seeded roll, and a cafe latte.
    How do you want your eggs?
    Bright eyed and bushy tailed, looking me right in the eye … You have a beautiful smile.
    Thank you. Want any juice or fruit?
    No. No thanks.
    Coffee right away?
    Yes, please.
    Coming right up.
    Same old headlines. Ah, there is good news, the Dodgers lost again. Three in a row, 5 out of 7. I knew I was supposed to buy a paper today. Oh great, they blew a 2 run lead in the ninth. This guy sounds surprised. Now thats amazing. Thought I felt as good as I could this morning, yet I feel even better now. Does that mean theres no limit to how good you can feel? I guess. Within limits. Maybe you just feel better and better until you explode? Never heard of it. Always something kicks in. Then down the tubes. Never feel too good. Maybe thats craziness. Feel so good your mind explodes. Cant handle it. How come you can feel worse and worse? No matter how bad you feel you can always feel worse. A rotten arrangement. Sometimes you can assert yourself. Yeah. And bounce up. You see the problem and know what to do. Its like life is right with you. Feel bad and everything goes wrong until you lose your mind. Feel good and everything goes right BUT you dont have to lose your mind. You dont have to let life drag you down, again. Yeah, thats it. People bounce back and forth, up and down, feel good, feel bad, because they have not really identified the problem in their lives, they are the puppets of life rather than the masters of their own existence. Thats where they make their mistake. They let life push them up until theres no place to go but down, kaflosh. The Black Hole of Calcutta. The Pits. No equilibrium. Avoid extremes. Excess is the problem. Balance the answer. Yes. Oh, by all means, Yes! Take all necessary steps to eliminate the problem. No matter what its form. Animal, vegetable or mineral. Life is made up of zillions of individuals. Some create an excessive imbalance. Most of us a little this way a little that way … hey, it all evens out. Not with everyone. Some far exceed all acceptable limits. Thats the problem. Yes. Yes indeed. Must be corrected. There are a few whose destiny it is to help bring about that balance. Those who have been ordained to be a part of the answer and help eliminate those who are so severely ‘out of balance’. Like a surgeon. If an infected limb threatens the life of the entire being, then the limb must be amputated. All agree. Life must go on at all costs. Life will always see to that. No one applies for the job. Life appoints them. Perhaps not all accept. Who knows how many? Cant tell. I have accepted. Fully. Totally. I will fulfill my commitment to life.
    The man has become aware that he has been appointed to pursue a mission, one that he has already embarked upon with dispatch and great enjoyment. That is the fact that we need to concentrate on. Look at the expression of his shoulders as he walks home, slapping the folded paper against his leg. What remarkable energy, and lack of swagger.