Free Planet Janet by Dyan Sheldon

see if my Leo showed up in them, but the human Jupiter was rising pretty steadily while I was there (he was climbing round the house without touching the floor, so things kept falling) so I told her I had enough to be going on with.
    Disha asked Calum if he met up with Elvin this morning and Calum didn’t know what she was on about. So Detectives Bandry and Paski now know that meeting Calum was just a feeble excuse. Elvin was there to see ME! I actually TINGLE when I think of it.

THURSDAY 1 FEBRUARY
    I made my announcement about turning veggie at supper tonight (last night we had sausages, which is one of the few things the MC can actually cook properly, so I reckoned I might as well have one last meal as a meat-eater). As per usual, I had to wait for Sigmund and his wife to finish their argument, but as soon as they took a break I pushed my plate away and went for it. “I can’t eat this,” I said. The Mad Cow turned her venomous gaze on me and wanted to know why not. Justin said he’d have it. Sigmund didn’t say anything, because he’d already stormed off to go to one of his groups (Sigmund’s got more groups than Columbia Records). I explained that I had become a vegetarian and would only be eating fish, chicken and soya burgers from now on. “And you’ll be cooking them yourself too,” mooed the Mad Cow. “I’m not making special meals for
you
.” I pointed out that her sister, Sappho, was a VEGAN and she didn’t have to cook her own meals when she came round. The Mad Cow said I could go and live with her. And they talk about teenagers having attitude!
    I was going to mention to Mrs Kennedy that the twins have been a little overactive lately. But I never got the chance. As per usual, she was flapping all over the place getting ready and banging on about what a great person Sigmund is and how lucky I am to have him as my father. I always agree. I see no reason to burst her bubble.

FRIDAY 2 FEBRUARY
    Cinderella Bandry (that’s ME) was fixing herself a veggie burger for supper tonight when the oven mitt caught on fire. I reacted immediately. (I was v impressed!) Without a second’s hesitation, I swung round and hurled the mitt into the sink. This was obviously the most intelligent thing to do, but of course the Mad Cow was in my way and the mitt hit her instead. You’d think I’d shot her (and except for a little singed hair she wasn’t even hurt). Now she’s changed her mind about me cooking my own food. Didn’t I say she’s menopausal? What more proof do you need, I ask you? She’s up one minute and down the next like an oil pump.
    I think I’m starving in the clinical sense. The incident with the MC and the oven mitt distracted me so much that the burger got burned and all I had for supper was vegetables. It’s like living on water. But I’m not giving up. The Hendley has enough advantages with Elvin. I can’t let her have that one too. And all I had last night was a cheese sandwich. I had to stop at McDonald’s on the way to school this morning, I was feeling so faint. I ate two boxes of those chicken things (I couldn’t eat duck – you know, because ducks are so cute – but chickens aren’t very attractive so I reckon they’re all right). But coming home on the bus tonight was this depressed-looking giant chicken (wearing Reeboks) and I wondered if it was some sort of sign and started feeling guilty.
    Disha says she was once given a bag of baby carrots by a giant rabbit on Parkway. She says he was really grubby and there was even a stain on one of his ears. She threw the carrots away.
    Last night was the last straw as far as Mr Kipling is concerned. They always say that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but as far as I can see you can’t teach a cat ANYTHING. If I’m not really careful about keeping my door shut, I find him sleeping on my bed, spreading fleas and cat fur. But I was so exhausted by the time I got back from Mrs Kennedy’s last night that I forgot to shut the