Free ShameLess by Mel Ballew Page A

shock-and-awe moment for me.
    I made a vow to start over. I promised myself I wouldn’t allow myself to get close to anyone, or feel – ever – again! I mean, what harm could come from recognizing my failures, my mistakes, and accepting them at face value? I thought I was handling myself perfectly fine with Stefan. I felt I was holding my own, considering how vulnerable I was feeling inside. Part of my strength in that moment with him, I feel comes from reaching a point of acceptance…well, partially. I’m still working really hard to fully accept my past. I would’ve been able to do it so much easier if Tucker hadn’t shown up, shaken me to my core, and stunned the living shit out of my plans, and me! I may not be able to change the past or go back in time and fix any of it, but that’s the thing about time. There is always more of it, even though most days feel like there’s less. I’ll just restart right now, and begin anew. That was the plan, right? I mean, I did get a do-over. Why can’t I try to still be me – just a better, new and improved version?
    I hadn’t thought of this before. Why hadn’t I? Oh god! The only thing that keeps making sense is that in order to change who I am into what I thought I needed to become is neither right nor wrong. A guy I just met has my head all kinds of crazy. I think I’m going nuts in every sense. Just maybe it can develop, at least into a friendship, maybe more? I do need friends. I do. New friends can’t include Tucker. Let’s pray he is only here at the party and it’s only for one night, and I won’t have to see him ever again.
    I also pray I can avoid Stefan, at least until I feel a little bit stronger. Until I am able to be around him without being weak in the knees or have butterflies flitting around inside my stomach. For now, I’ll try to avoid him at all cost.
    Exhausting sobs sojourn as I approach the student parking lot on campus. My face remains damp even though I feel lighter, and not as weighted down. Some things are starting to make more sense. I pull into a parking spot, turn off the ignition, and give myself a few minutes to soak in the words as Prince sounds throughout Jade’s car, “Purple Rain, purple rain”. As the melody glides through the interior, my body slips deeper into the comfort of my seat. Yep, another artist I love compliments of my mother’s impending influence, but one I’ll never tire of hearing, especially on reflective nights like this.
    Slowly, I make my way across the asphalt with a lighter skip in my step from having acquired more certainty after sorting through some of my issues. I’m more positive and finding myself more carefree than I’ve been in quite a long time. It is a refreshing approach. I actually can hear my pap’s voice right after I awoke at home after the accident, after learning of Elle.
    During his visit, he told me, “Live like you are dying, Ren. Read the good book, give forgiveness, be a friend, love like you have eternity but as if today is your last day on earth. Make sure you do two things for someone else, and one thing for yourself per day, per week or per month. Know everything in life happens because it is meant to happen. There is no underlying message, no secret code. There will always be a lesson to learn, and a chance to ‘dance’. Each day is a gift, especially each tomorrow. Be sure to handle each one with care. There are no guarantees. Ask yourself, “What will you do with it?” Never stop asking yourself this, no matter your age.”
    His words, like his favorite Tim McGraw song, “Live Like You Are Dying” , now resonate within me.
     
    "Someday I hope you get the chance
    To live like you were dying
    Like tomorrow was a gift
    And you've got eternity…”
     
    I have always loved this particular part of this song every time I have ever listened to it with him. It always reminds me of truth, love, and the simple fact that life truly is a rare gift. No one is guaranteed a free