Free Into the Light by Ellen O'Connell

was?
    Aunt Em interpreted Deborah’s blank look correctly. “Taking you to church is all but a waste of time. You don’t stay in the pew long enough to hear what the preacher says, and you don’t show any interest in the family afterward either.”
    That stung. And it was true, of course. Until three years ago, attending church had been a rare event. The church in Hubbell was just too far away.
    Although she knew better than to admit it, Deborah had preferred it that way. The new church beside the Grange Hall was close enough to attend every Sunday, but far enough most families packed lunch and picnicked outside in good weather or ate in the Grange Hall on cold or windy days.
    The problem was even sitting at the end of a pew with open space to one side, Deborah could only stand looking at all the people packed in rows like that so long before escaping outside. Sometimes she slipped back in and stood at the back for a while, more often not. As for the picnics, chatter, and gossip....
    “It’s not that I’m not interested,” she said carefully. “I don’t do well in crowds. You know that.”
    “And the Sutton family is becoming a crowd all by itself,” Uncle Jason said.
    Deborah nodded, glad of the excuse, but Aunt Em disagreed, “Oh, bosh, Judith and Miriam attend church in town now, and Judith’s babies have never seen the inside of the new church.”
    Finished forcing her tiny portions of food down her unwilling throat, Deborah washed away the salty taste of ham with a swallow of black coffee. “So what is the news I missed?”
    “Beth is going to go to normal school,” her aunt said with pride. “Can you believe that? She’ll be living in Emporia and learning to be a teacher.”
    Deborah’s vision blurred. Her throat closed and her head tried to float away. Uncle Jason’s voice sounded as if from a distance. “Not by herself. She’ll board with other girls, her classmates.”
    “H-how can she be a teacher when she’s never been to school?” Deborah said, hating the waver in her voice.
    “Well, it’s not as if she’s ignorant,” Aunt Em said, indignant on Beth’s behalf. “She’s studied at home just like you.”
    Deborah managed a jerky nod and stiff smile. “I think you may be right that I’m coming down with something. I need.... I’m sorry, but I need to lie down for a while.”
    She fled from the kitchen to her bedroom and barely made it to the wash basin before losing what little she’d eaten. Leaving the mess in the bowl, she crawled into bed, taking off nothing except her shoes in spite of the gathering heat.
    A soft knock sounded on the door, and Deborah rolled to face the wall. She really didn’t want to talk to Aunt Em now, couldn’t. Before she decided how to ask to be left alone, Uncle Jason’s voice reached her.
    “Can I come in?”
    Deborah rolled back over to face the door. She couldn’t remember her uncle ever entering her room. “Of course you can.”
    He sat on the edge of the bed and gave her an awkward pat on the shoulder, so gentle she barely felt it. “Surely you don’t begrudge your cousin the chance to do this.”
    Meeting his eyes had never been so hard. “No, but I envy her. Isn’t envy one of the seven deadly sins?”
    He shrugged. “Those seven never sounded any deadlier than a lot of others to me. I don’t know if the school has any more open places this year, but if you want to go, we’ll find out all about it, and you’ll go. You’re every bit as smart as Cal and Norah’s girl. Smarter.”
    Deborah had to smile at his loyalty. “You’re biased, but thank you, and I really wouldn’t want to be a teacher. Can you picture me shut in a room all crowded with children? I’d run out and hide in minutes even if there wasn’t a single one like Uncle Eli’s boys.”
    “Well, there are other kinds of schools. If you want to go, we’ll find a way for you to do it.”
    “Thank you. Thank you so much, but I don’t have the courage,” she