Free The Educated Ape & other Wonders of the Worlds by Robert Rankin

perfect
creations — that is correct, is it not?’
    Cameron
nodded. ‘Such is the belief,’ said he.
    ‘Then
came Man’s fall from grace, when he was forced to leave the Garden of Eden, and
it has been downhill all the way ever since.’
    ‘Spiritually,
perhaps,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘But Mankind has attained many startling
achievements. We live now in an age of wonders.’
    ‘But
the first man was the purest man and the first man knew God personally. He was
therefore the most superior of all men.’
    ‘If
you put it like that,’ said Cameron Bell.
    ‘But
you believe that Man is descended from monkeys, which therefore means that the
first and most perfect being was an ape. Most magnanimous of you, thanks very
much indeed.’
    Cameron
Bell did scratchings at his naked scalp. Somehow or other a monkey had just
run theological and evolutionary rings around him.
    ‘But,’
continued this monkey, ‘the chickens believe that Man is descended from the
original fowls of the Great Mother Hen. Present-day Man eats present-day
chicken, unaware that they are both of the same root race. The same stock. It
is part of the punishment for Henny Penny and Chicken Licken committing
Original Sin when tempted by the wily fox. And what is more, they also believe
that this happened only a very short time ago.’
    ‘Four
thousand years before the birth of Christ,’ said Cameron Bell, ‘that is the
date fixed by religious fundamentalists for the Creation. In fact, they have
it down to a date and a day. James Ussher, the Anglican Archbishop of Armagh,
famously stated that the Creation began at nightfall preceding Sunday October
the twenty-third, four thousand and four BC.’
    Darwin
replaced the pineapple onto the table, much to the relief of Cameron Bell. ‘The
chickens consider it to be a lot more recent than that,’ he said. ‘They believe
the world began on the twenty-fourth of May in the year eighteen nineteen.’
    ‘That
date sounds familiar,’ said Cameron Bell.
    ‘And
so it should — it is the day on which Queen Victoria was born.’
    Cameron
Bell refilled his champagne glass. ‘Priceless,’ said he. ‘And a fine tale, too,
Darwin. Well done with that.’
    ‘I am
not making it up,’ said Darwin. ‘The chickens take it very seriously. They
believe that there was nothing before the birth of Queen Victoria, that
this age sprang into being with her royal birth and that nothing existed
before it. And although I hate to say this, as a theory it is hard to argue
against.’
    ‘But
it is clearly ludicrous,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘You yourself live in Syon House,
designed by Robert Adam and built in the year seventeen sixty-two. There stands
your house as proof against that theory.’
    ‘On
the contrary. You believe in the omnipotence of God, do you not? That God, by
nature of being God, must be all-powerful, all-knowing, ever present and beyond
all but the tiniest bit of human understanding?’
    Cameron
Bell looked hard at his partner and companion. ‘It is very clear to me,’ said
he, ‘that you have given these matters considerable thought.’
    ‘I
read the scriptures daily,’ said Darwin.
    ‘You
do?’
    ‘I
would know what I can of the truth. I would seek to know whether I have a soul
of my own.’
    ‘Oh,
Darwin,’ said Mr Bell. ‘I don’t know quite what to say.
    ‘Then
listen. I know that you believe in God. I know that you have experienced things
that leave no doubt at all in your mind that God exists.’
    ‘In
truth, I have,’ said Mr Bell. ‘And although a rationalist, I have no personal
doubts regarding the existence of God.’ Mr Bell raised his glass and drank
deeply of it. ‘This is the sort of conversation I generally have at my club
after umpteen ports and lavish helpings of brandy,’ he said.
    ‘The
theory is this,’ said the monkey, ‘that everything prior to the birth of Queen
Victoria, every ancient artefact, every piece of music, of art, of
architecture, was brought into being