Free The Clue of the Linoleum Lederhosen by M.T. Anderson

nose against the granite, shutting his one free nostril.
    With all passages blocked, he tried desperately to blow the clog out of his other nostril.
    The snake, happily dreaming of ancient religions where snakes were hand-fed hard-boiled eggs by nuns in chain mail, sighed, licked its thin lips, and shifted in the warm sun on Jasper’s back.
    Trembling, Jasper forced air behind the plug. He closed his eyes. Veins stood out on his forehead.
    Nothing. The snot would not budge.
    He relaxed. He opened his eyes.
    His breath whined—a tiny trickle—through the one remaining nostril.
    Upside down, he looked across the chasm he lay next to. On the other side of it, there was a meadow full of Queen Anne’s lace.
    He was not allergic in the slightest to Queen Anne’s lace.
    So Jasper Dash, Boy Technonaut, lay there staring longingly at the Queen Anne’s lace, and thinking how sweet life would be, how perfect in almost every detail, if he could only be bound and gagged with a deadly snake sleeping on him over in
that
meadow.
    That, he thought, would make him the happiest boy alive.
    Which goes to show you that everything is relative.

“I cannot imagine being anywhere worse than this buffet,” said one of the Cutesy Dell Twins to Katie.
    â€œNo way,” Katie agreed.
    â€œMaybe being stuck in some stupid cave,” said the other Twin, who then shivered, momentarily bewildered by a stray image in her brain that was actually from a previous life two thousand years before, in which she and her sister had been priestesses and had had to dress in weird metal clothes and hand-feed eggs to serpents.
    Katie, the Cutesy Dell Twins, and Lily sat at a table in the grand dining hall of the hotel. Around them, men were dressed in black bowties and starched collars, and women wore glittering dresses. Some ladies wore peacock feathers in their head scarves. There was talking and champagne. A jazz band—Dix Wickerbasket and His Amazing Dix-Chords—played old dance tunes.
    Katie was anxious for several reasons. She still hadn’t told Lily that she’d actually heard the theft of Mrs. Mandrake’s necklace. Also, she really wanted the Cutesy Dell Twins to like Lily and Jasper. But Lily was acting very shy, and Jasper hadn’t come back for dinner.
    Outside the windows it was still light, even though it was eight o’clock in the evening. The sun was just starting to go down over the mountains. It glittered on the rivers and highways far, far beneath them.
    â€œSo you spent the day with Eddie Wax?” said one of the Cutesy Dell Twins to Lily.
    â€œYes,” she said. She didn’t want to say any more.
    â€œWhat did you think of him?”
    Katie watched Lily’s face. She could tell Lily wanted to say the right thing—but that Lily also didn’t want to be mean. “He was nice,” said Lily, who thought again, and then admitted, “He talked about his horse a lot.”
    The Twins exchanged glances. “Oh yeah,” they said. “Yeah.”
    One of them said, as if innocent, “So you think he’s cute?”
    â€œYeah, cute?” asked the other one.
    Lily froze. “He has nice … freckles,” she said. “But he’s … he … talks … about…” She stopped.
    The Twins both leaned forward. “He is completely crazy,” said one.
    â€œKoo-koo loco,” said the other.
    Lily said, “I’ve actually only read one of his books. And then met him today. I don’t really know him well.”
    One of the Twins touched her nose, as if to say, “Right on the nose.” She said, “He
only has one book.”
    The other Twin explained, “He
thinks
he wasthe star of a horse book series. But he wasn’t. That’s just what he dreamed of. In fact…
Stumpy Rides to Glory,
his book—it was one of those
DEAD HORSE books”
    â€œYou know? Like the dead dog