The List

Free The List by Joanna Bolouri

Book: The List by Joanna Bolouri Read Free Book Online
Authors: Joanna Bolouri
fear this man and his tight bottom might have possessed me. I made a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow to see about my moley ass. Now I’m obsessed, and keep trying to catch sight of it in the mirror like a cat chasing its tail.
    Wednesday February 9th
    I left work early for my doctor’s appointment and after much poking and prodding he’s decided to remove it, so I have to go back on Friday. Finally the obscure red thing on my bottom shall be gone. He doesn’t think it’s anything nasty or even interesting – which is good.
    Hazel offered to come with me, but I’d have to sit and stare at her while she screws up her face and goes green at the sight of a scalpel, and quite honestly I can do without that.
    Thursday February 10th
    Lucy has a new man, a twenty-one-year-old ‘musician’ called Sam who leads a double life as a shelf stacker in her local supermarket. Lucy has the ability to attract and conquer men even while pursuing mundane tasks like shopping. It seems he’d gone out of his way to find her an undamaged tin of pineapple and it was love at first sight. I say love; Lucy falls in and out of love very quickly. Her last boyfriend lasted three months until she decided one morning that he looked like a lizard and it was all off. The guy before that – Robert, I think – was dumped when she found outhe owned a Michael Bolton album. ‘Can you imagine what other little dirty secrets he’s been hiding from me?’
    Lucy loves being in love, or the idea of it anyway. She’s always in a relationship or with a shagging partner until someone better comes along. For an independent woman, her need to be attached is quite staggering. She’s a bit like Oliver in that respect – neither of them wants to be without someone, but they both won’t commit to anything long-term. I know that Oliver would rather grate his own ball sack than get married. She also insists on dating younger men: ‘I love being Mrs Robinson. I wouldn’t fuck Dustin Hoffman though.’
    Work plodded on as usual. Frank still hasn’t noticed his picture is upside down because he’s a self-absorbed prick. I pity the woman who ends up with him. Speaking of which, it feels like love is in the air – I could hear Stuart whispering on his mobile to some mystery woman during his fag break earlier. STOP THAT, YOU HANDSOME PHONE-WHISPERER.
    Friday February 11th
    Ouch. That was nippy. The mole was removed by Dr Jekyll and his lovely nurse, Mary ‘Scissorhands’ Reilly. They were very rushed and he started to cut before the anaesthetic had kicked in.
    â€˜ARGH!’
    â€˜You can’t feel that, can you?’
    â€˜Uh-huh. What? Am I not supposed to?’
    (Ignores my question) ‘We’ll use some more local anaesthetic then.’
    He reckons it’s scar tissue.
    â€˜Do you remember sitting on something sharp? Like some glass?’
    â€˜No.’
    â€˜Are you sure?’
    I thought of every drunken tumble I could remember.
    â€˜No.’
    Apparently it was deeper than he first thought and I got four stitches. So the ugly red mole has been removed, leaving me with an ugly red scar. I don’t know which is worse, but my dreams of a blemish-free botty have been dashed forever.
    Oliver came round just to see it. I felt like a freak show.
    â€˜Oh, you poor thing! Does it hurt?’
    â€˜Yes.’
    â€˜Would it hurt if I bent you over the couch?’
    â€˜I’m guessing, yes.’
    â€˜Can I see it?’
    â€˜Bugger off, Oliver, it’ll be disgusting and weeping and covered in death.’
    Even the sight of a bloody bandage and stitches doesn’t curb that boy’s sexual enthusiasm.
    Saturday February 12th
    Went over to Oliver’s flat this evening, and even though I’ve been to his place many times it never fails to impress me, which, given that I live in a hovel, isn’t surprising. It’s verybig,

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