Free Depravicus by Ray Gordon Page B

antiques as she wanted. Printing
several copies of the leaflet, he finally left the house and walked
into the village.
    Telegraph
poles, lamp posts, shop windows... Placing the leaflets anywhere
and everywhere, he was sure that he'd get a good response. Once
he'd evicted any old fuddy-duddies that turned up to the meeting,
he'd open the bar and the cash would pour in. Pinning the last
leaflet to a fence, he rubbed his hands together gleefully and
decided to call in at the tea shop. Without Josie to look after him
he wasn't eating properly. He'd need his strength if he was to
maintain a massive erection and spend the next two months
fucking.
    "What's all
this then?" PC Bridlington asked as he approached. "You have to
have permission to stick leaflets around the village."
    "But I have,"
Will smiled. "I have permission from God to spread the good
word."
    "That's as
maybe, but you also need permission from..."
    "I was on my
way to see you, Constable. I thought I'd ask your permission."
    "Oh,
well..."
    "After all,
you are a highly respected member of the community and a fine and
upstanding police officer."
    "That's true.
All right, permission granted."
    "Thank you so
much. You're too kind."
    "Actually, I'm
glad I bumped into you, Father."
    "Oh?"
    "I was going
to come and see you. There's a little matter I wish to discuss with
you. It concerns a novice nun."
    "A novice
nun?"
    "Allegedly you
went to the convent and... well... with a nun... in the laundry
room... if you get my meaning..."
    "I did no such
thing, Constable. I'm a man of God."
    "According to
the Reverend Mother..."
    "According to
the Reverend Mother you're an ugly, lying bastard."
    "I'm a..."
    "That's what
she's been telling people, Constable. I heard her myself only this
morning. She told Father Kosher that you're an ugly lying bastard.
I was shocked to the core, to say the least. And she reckons you're
a bum bandit."
    "She said
that?"
    "Indeed, she
did. When I heard those dreadful words I was so shocked I passed
out. My out completely passed. She's out to cause trouble,
Constable. Rumour has it she's after your job."
    "Is she now?
I'll shall see about that. Thank you for the information, Father.
I'll go to the convent now and have it out with her."
    "You do that,
Constable. Have it out right in front of her."
    As the man
walked away Will again rubbed his hands. There was nothing like
lying and stirring up trouble, he reflected, heading for the tea
shop. A lie here, a lie there, the odd malicious rumour... Thinking
of lies, he again pondered Josie. Unless he came up with an
infallible plan, there was going to be big trouble when she
returned from Moscow. Suddenly coming up with an idea, he grinned.
He knew where she was staying, the name of the hotel. One anonymous
phone call to the KGB and she'd be arrested for spying. She'd
eventually be released and Will could say that he sold the
furniture and opened the bar to make enough money to pay off the
KGB. There again, perhaps a damned good anal shagging would appease
her, he mused as he entered the tea shop and sat at a table by the
window. Or perhaps not.
    "May I help
you, Father?" a young waitress asked, her French maid outfit
several sizes too small.
    "You certainly
may," Will grinned, eyeing her stockinged legs. "I'd like a cup of
tea and lashings of your cream... I mean, a couple of cream cakes,
please."
    "Double
whipped or quick squirt from the can?"
    "A double
whipping, please. There's nothing I enjoy more than a double
whipping."
    "I know
exactly what you mean," she smiled, writing down his order.
    "Really?"
    "I'll be back
in the wink of an eye."
    She was
another conquest, he reflected, watching her walk to the counter on
her long and spreadable legs. She was no doubt knickerless with a
shaved fanny, he mused. But he only had two months to shag several
hundred girls. Or perhaps a lot longer. The KGB plan was brilliant.
Josie would be thrown into a freezing cold, stenching, rotten,
slime-ridden Siberian jail for