Free Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader by Bathroom Readers’ Institute

God lived on Earth, people would break his windows.”
    —Jewish proverb
    “I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody’s.”
    —Woody Allen
    “When you don’t have any money, the problem is food. When you have money, it’s sex. When you have both, it’s health. If everything is simply jake, then you’re frightened of death.”
    — J. P. Donleavy
    “Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.”
    —William Safire
    “When you have got an elephant by the hind legs and he is trying to run away, it is best to let him run.”
    —Abraham Lincoln
    “In the end, everything is a gag.”
    —Charlie Chaplin
    “One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.”
    —Betrand Russell
    “When ideas fail, words come in very handy.”
    —Goethe
    “Victory goes to the player who makes the next to last mistake.”
    —Savielly Grigorievitch
    “After all is said and done, more is said than done.”
    —Unknown
    “Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.”
    —Jean-Paul Sartre
    “A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.”
    — H. H. Munro
    “The best way to get praise is to die.”
    —Italian proverb
     
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    It takes about 21 pounds of milk to make I pound of butter.
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STRANGE LAWSUITS
    These days, it seems that people will sue each other over practically anything. Here are a few real-life examples of unusual legal battles.
    T HE PLAINTIFF: Wendy Potasnik, a nine-year-old from Carmel, Indiana
    THE DEFENDANT: The Cracker Jack Division of Borden, Inc.
    THE LAWSUIT: In 1982, Wendy and her sister Robin each bought a box of Cracker Jacks. Robin got a prize in her box, but Wendy didn’t…which made her “really mad.”
    “They advertise a free toy in each box,” she told a reporter. “I feel that since I bought their product because of their claim, they broke a contract with me.” So she sued, asking the court to make Borden “pay court costs and furnish a toy.”
    THE VERDICT: Wendy dropped the suit after Borden apologized and sent her a coupon for a free box of Cracker Jacks…even though the company refused to pay the $19 that Potasnik had spent on court costs.
    THE PLAINTIFF: Alan Wald
    THE DEFENDANT: The Moonraker Restaurant in Pacifica, California
    THE LAWSUIT: In 1993, Wald went to the Moonraker for an all-you-can-eat buffet. He’d already eaten between 40 (Wald’s count) and 75 (the restaurant’s count) oysters—and was still at it—when the restaurant cut him off. Apparently, other customers were complaining that there were no oysters left. The restaurant offered to refund Wald’s $40 to get him to go, but Wald insisted he was within his rights—he hadn’t had all he could eat yet. He demanded $400 for “humiliation and embarrassment.”
    THE VERDICT: Wald was awarded $100 by the judge—but the restaurant was the real winner. “It was great publicity,” said the owner. “We’re going to get a shovelful of oysters and present them to [Wald] at his table. He can come back anytime.”
     
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    Which language has the most words? English—nearly 1 million.
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    THE PLAINTIFF: The Swedish government
    THE DEFENDANT: Elisabeth Hallin, mother of a five-year-old boy named Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbbllll6 (which she pronounces “Albin”)
    THE LAWSUIT: For five years, the Hallins, who say they believe in the surrealist doctrine of “pataphysics,” refused to give their son a name. Then Swedish tax officials informed them it was a legal requirement. They chose Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbbl1116—which was immediately rejected by the authorities. The couple insisted that the “typographically expressionistic” name was merely “an artistic creation,” consistent with their pata-physical beliefs.
    THE VERDICT: The government disagreed. The Hallins were fined 5000 kronor (about $735) and ordered to