Free Flesh Guitar by Geoff Nicholson Page B

though all his dreams had come true.
    â€˜What if you need to get in touch with me?’ he asked.
    â€˜I’ll find a way,’ she said, and she waved him away, not with contempt but with finality, and once he was out of sight she began to read his compositions.

FORTY GUITAR SOLOS FOR JENNY SLADE, COMPOSED BY TOM SCORN
    (In these compositions itis assumed that the guitarist is right handed and plays a conventionally strung instrument. Left-handers should make the appropriate reversals.)
    1) The Lubrication Solo
    The player takes a guitar and places it on a stand so that it is upright, leaning backwards at a slight angle. She opens a two-gallon tin of motor oil and pours its contents down the neck of the guitar, varying the rate and quantity of oil so as to vary the sound produced. She continues until the tin is empty.
    2) The Spherical Solo
    The player arranges a number of different guitars on stage. She then moves to the back of the hall where there is a large pile of balls of various sizes and weights and densities. The player hurls these balls one at a time at the guitars on stage, attempting to hit them cleanly on the strings, but inevitably inaccuracies will occur. Some balls will miss the strings, hit the guitar’s body or machine heads, with rich unpredictable results.
    (Possible projectiles include cricket balls, baseballs, cotton-wool balls, footballs, meat balls and, at outdoor winter gigs, snowballs.)
    3) The Hot Solo
    With her left hand the player begins to play the chord changes of a standard I-IV-V progression (‘Louie Louie’, ‘Wild Thing’,
et al).
In her other hand she now takes an ignited blow lamp and ‘strums’ the strings with the flame until eitherthe strings melt or the guitar body catches fire. (The noise subsequently created by the use of the fire extinguisher is to be considered part of the solo.)
    4) The Fall Solo
    The player selects a number of guitars, tunes them to Open E and places them under the spreading branches of a large deciduous tree on a breezy day in mid-autumn. As the leaves fall they land on the strings and play fragile, delicate notes and half chords.
    5) The Blackboard Solo
    The player holds down a chord of C 7th. She then inserts three sticks of chalk (which may be coloured or plain white) between the fingers of the right hand and rubs them hard up and down the guitar neck so that they crumble and snap and disintegrate. The solo continues until the chalk is completely pulverized and there’s nothing in the hand but chalk dust.
    6) The Spanking Solo
    The player inserts a thin plank of wood between the guitar strings and the fingerboard. Using a hand saw she then starts to cut the plank. The solo consists of the vibrations and movement passed through the plank to the strings and the guitar. It ends when the plank is sawn through.
    7) The Inflated Solo
    The player holds a guitar horizontally. She takes six balloons and fills them with helium and varying amounts of gravel. One balloon is attached to each guitar string, so that the balloons float at various points above the guitar. Slowly, and with feeling, the player bursts each balloon in turn so that gravel showersdown on the strings and body of the guitar.
    8) The Stubble Solo
    The player coats the guitar strings in lime-scented shaving foam. She then takes a disposable razor, preferably one with a swivel action head, and proceeds to give the strings a very close shave.
    (Depilatory cream might be used as an acceptable alternative, but the use of hot wax would constitute a different composition, as would the use of an electric razor.)
    9) The Dog Solo
    The player finds a large dog, preferably of a bouncy, good-natured variety, and uses a length of string to attach the dog’s tail to the whammy bar of her guitar. The player now attempts to perform a version of the Shadows”Apache’, while the dog expresses its natural exuberance. The piece ends when dog and player can stand it no