Free Wry Martinis by Christopher Buckley Page A

where it hurts—“if that osso bucco isn’t on the table by the time I count to
tre
, I’m going to beat you to death with this [obscenity] peppermill.”
    One correspondent of ours says that’s how he introduces
himself
to the waiters. The downside is that many of them forget to introduce themselves to him. But service, he reports, is usually quite brisk.
    That said,
Bon appétit
, and remember: developing a relationship with the person who brings you your food lessens the chance that he or she will spit on it in the kitchen.
    —
Key West Restaurant
, 1986
    * When introducing oneself, always shake hands to your right. When bidding the waiter good-bye, to your left. In some Middle Eastern countries, it may be advisable to forgo the handshake altogether in favor of a simple denunciation of United States policy toward Israel.

You,
the Jury!

    Interactive TV Movie of the Week:
Beauty and the Juice.
Menu of Alternative Endings. Make Selection, Then Press Number of Desired Ending.
    1. O. J. pretends to have a heart attack in the courtroom. In the ambulance on the way to the hospital, he overpowers his guards and leads the LAPD, the National Guard, the United States Air Force, the Border Patrol, and the Coast Guard on a harrowing chase into Mexico, where he claims political asylum. The Mexican government, still angry with the United States for stealing California in 1848, refuses to extradite him. In retaliation, the United States withdraws from the North American Free Trade Agreement. O. J. becomes a greeter at the El Conquistador Hotel in Acapulco. Business there quadruples.
    2. After pleading their client not guilty by reason of insanity, the defense attorneys Robert Shapiro, F. Lee Bailey, and Alan Dershowitz argue that the “admittedly unfortunate events” were actually all the fault of Nicole Simpson. “Who paid for that house?” Shapiro asks movingly in his summation. “Who paid for that Ferrari? I put it to you—if you came home and found your ex-wife thanking a man who had appeared on the television show
Studs
for returning a pair of her mother’s eyeglasses, wouldn’t you go a little nuts?”
    3. O. J. is found guilty on two counts of murder in the first degree and sentenced to death. But as the cyanide pellets drop inside the San Quentin gas chamber, the phone rings. It’s the governor, ordering ahalt to the execution. The police have just found a suicide note on the Golden Gate Bridge, signed by Al Cowlings, Simpson’s longtime friend and sometime chauffeur. After thanking a hundred and twenty-four golfing buddies, Cowlings says that it was he who committed the murders, in an attempt to frame O. J. in revenge for O. J.’s having married his girlfriend many years ago. L. A. District Attorney Gil Garcetti sends O. J. a handwritten letter of apology, saying, “I never thought you did it, man.” O. J., through a spokesman, replies, “Hey, no sweat,” and asks Garcetti to be his partner in the Pebble Beach National Pro Am.
    4. As word of O. J. Simpson’s acquittal spreads throughout Beverly Hills, angry crowds of expensively dressed white people overturn gelato venders’ carts and set fire to Cartier. The fire spreads to Tiffany and Chanel. People without lunch reservations storm the front door of Morton’s and threaten the maître d’ with physical violence if they are not immediately seated. Governor Wilson appeals for manners. Letitia Baldrige is brought in by armored riot vehicle and exhorts the crowds with a bullhorn, “Remember where you are!”
    5. At the conclusion of the fourteen-month-long “preliminary hearing,” Judge Kennedy-Powell determines that it would be impossible to impanel a jury that hasn’t already arrived at a verdict, and orders that the trial be held in Guam. Prosecutor Marcia Clark vociferously objects to the change of venue, saying that she looks “ridiculous” in a
mestiza
, the traditional Guamanian attire. The judge sternly informs her that she is under no