Free Wry Martinis by Christopher Buckley Page B

obligation whatsoever to wear Guamanian garb. O. J., extremely popular with Guamanians, is acquitted by an all-male jury after a two-hour-long trial. The jury foreman tells the press afterward that the jury might have voted to convict if Clark had worn a
mestiza.
    6. The legal battle of the century heads for the highest court in the land: Bailey v. Dershowitz. Bailey is livid with Dershowitz for calling him, in his best-selling book,
Can’t Get Enough of Me
, a “washed-up, publicity-mongering limousine-chaser who couldn’t get MotherTeresa off on a shoplifting charge.” Bailey has retaliated in
his
book,
The “F” Stands for Fabulous
, by calling Dershowitz a “short, four-eyed Harvard hairball who cares about only one thing—gross participation in movie deals.” After many exciting motions and countermotions, the Supreme Court decides not to hear the case. In a joint press conference brokered by superagent Michael Ovitz, Bailey and Dershowitz declare, “Sadly, brilliant lawyers can no longer get justice in America,” and announce plans for a miniseries about their reconciliation.
    —
The New Yorker
, 1994

Apartment
Hunter

    O. J. Simpson is considering moving from his posh estate in
the Brentwood section of Los Angeles to New York City.
—
New York Post
    T O THE 1040 F IFTH A VENUE C OOPERATIVE A SSOCIATION :
    I am pleased to write in support of Mr. Simpson’s application to become a member of your cooperative.
    I have known Mr. Simpson for many years. I would describe him as a devoted family man. As you may be aware, he has recently suffered the devastating loss of his former wife, to whom he was very close. But he is strong and his attitude is “Life must go on.”
    Initially, his plan was to return to his home and raise his children according to his own strong sense of family values. But the crime problem in Brentwood persuades him that it is time to look elsewhere, and so he has decided to move with the children to New York, where they can have a “normal” upbringing.
    Sincerely,
Robert Kardashian
    L ADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GOOD MORNING !
    O. J. Simpson will make an
excellent
tenant in your building. I can truthfully say I know him intimately, having spent a lot of time with himrecently. He is a godly man who has suffered bitterly at the hands of the unrighteous. His only desire right now, apart from seeing that the Colombian drug dealers who slew his ex-wife and her companion are brought to justice, is to raise his children in an atmosphere of serenity and security.
    I understand that the late Mrs. Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, another parent of two young children left bereft by a senseless act of violence, lived in your building, so you are familiar with these tragedies, and the need to be sensitive and sympathetic to the victims.
    In the matter of finances, I can say without fear of contradiction that Mr. Simpson will be more than able to meet the necessary requirements. His financial future shines brightly indeed!
    Sincerely,
Johnnie Cochran
    T O THE BOARD :
    O. J. Simpson will make an ideal tenant, and you should move expeditiously to approve his application.
    Aside from the reflected glory that all your tenants would share in having a tenant of his stature, there is an additional benefit—my own occasional presence in the building. As you know, it was I who masterminded his entire defense strategy, despite the fact that my esteemed colleague Mr. Cochran seems to be crowding the limelight. My only point is that I am the most brilliant legal mind in the United States, and my occasional visits to the Simpson duplex at 1040 would lend great respectability to all of you.
    Another of my clients, Mr. Claus von Bülow, lived on Fifth Avenue, and my visits to his apartment brought considerable social stature to his cotenants.
    I should add that in the event you turn down Mr. Simpson’s application I will be handling the appeal. The upside for you would be spending many, many hours in my presence. The