Free Ajar by Marianna Boncek

asked
me.
    I huffed out air between my teeth and rolled
my eyes, “They don’t want me there.”
    I really wanted to leave it at that.
    “Why?”
    She turned her head. It was still resting on
her knees. Her face had the whitest skin I’d ever seen, the rims of
her eyes so pink. She looked like a white rabbit.
    I glanced down over the silver water. It was
so beautiful here. It was so far removed from my horrible, horrible
life.
    “I got the shit beat out of me. They broke
my nose and ribs, knocked out my teeth,” I said and lifted my
T-shirt to show her the remains of the taping, “Mr. Hardy told my
uncle he didn’t think the school could promise my safety.” I
snorted again.
    “Why’d you get beat up?”
    I looked away. I didn’t want to answer this
question. I wanted Lindy to stay in that fantasy world of mine that
was light and free. I wanted her to be in the place where I wasn’t
the brother of the Sawyer Shooter. But what could I do? The truth
comes out sooner or later.
    “You remember in July, the shooting in
town?”
    “Uh huh.”
    “That was my brother.”
    She did not respond. Her face remained
turned to me, the white rabbit, unresponsive. I thought perhaps she
didn’t hear me so I said, “My brother shot Naomi Tillson and Mr.
Moretti. He killed them. He’s the Sawyer Shooter.”
    Her head made the slightest motion. She
wasn’t shocked or amazed or anything.
    “You didn’t have anything to do with it, did
you?” There was a trace of concern in her voice.
    “Hell, no!”
    “Hmmm,” was all she said. “I don’t know why
they would do that to you then.”
    “I don’t know,” I sighed.
    After a moment, “Why did your brother do
it?”
    I sagged. “I don’t know.” I paused. I wanted
to make sense of it for both her and me but I couldn’t. I thought
some more and then said, “I don’t know. He’s crazy. Something
happened to him. He used to be a really nice guy. He was quiet,
smart, the whole nine yards. Then he changed.” I turned to look at
her. She was listening. I went on, “He got sent home from college
and he was all crazy and everything. He’d talk to himself, sleep
all day. He didn’t even take a shower. We had no idea that he was
planning to kill those people. He just went and did it one day.
Bam! No warning, nothing.”
    Lindy was nodding her head, listening. The
more I talked to her, the lighter I felt. I was like a lake being
drained, a pitcher being emptied.
    “After my brother killed them, everyone
started to hate us. Like we did it, too. They burned down our
house, with us in it. My mom and I just got out in time.”
    “Oh my!’ she gasped in surprised.
    “Yeah, it was horrible. We had to live in a
hotel, a cheesy one, too, not a nice one. My mom is drunk all the
time now. We had to move in with my aunt and uncle. They don’t
really want us there. Then when I went to school, I’m not even
there 10 minutes and I get the shit beat out of me by Brad Henshaw
and his minions.”
    She moved a little closer to me, reached
out, put her bony hand on my shoulder.
    “I’m sorry. That sucks,” she said.
    “Yeah,” was all I could say. If I said
anymore I was afraid I would cry.
    We let the silence sit between us. Then I
added quietly, “I’m not like my brother. I’m not crazy. I’m not
going to kill you or anything.”
    She giggled in response. I smiled. I felt
better now that I had told Lindy, not worse, as I had expected.
    “So, why aren’t you in school?” I asked.
“You got cancer or something?”
    I saw her body sag. She looked away and
seemed to even curl more into herself. She rested her chin on her
knees and gazed down the river. We were quiet a long time, and I
wondered if I had said something wrong. I probably shouldn’t have
mentioned the cancer. I didn’t think she was going to say
anything.
    “No,” she finally said, “I don’t have
cancer. But I wish I did.”
    I furrowed my brow, trying to make sense of
what she was saying and said to