Free Until I Love Again by Jerry S. Eicher

least she had thought to send Henry to tell Mr. Kenny that she would not be in for work this week at DeKalb Building Supply.
    â€œShe’s not feeling well,” Henry had told Mr. Kenny.
    Mr. Kenny had sent word back. “Tell Susanna we hope she gets better.”
    But she wouldn’t get better. Not from this. There was only a cold numbness that filled her body. Her family had shown her nothing but tenderness, but that only made matters worse. Wasn’t kindness part of the reason she was in trouble? If Daett hadn’t given her so much leeway in her rumspringa time, maybe she wouldn’t have met Joey and his family. And then she wouldn’t have…
    A soft knock on the bedroom door made Susanna pull the quilt higher over her head.
    â€œSusanna,” Mamm called.
    Susanna buried her face deeper.
    The doorknob turned and Mamm ’s footsteps approached. “Susanna, you must get dressed. We will leave for the service when the men finish the chores.” Mamm paused. “You are going along. You have to face the people sometime.”
    Susanna didn’t answer.
    Mamm tugged on the quilt. “This is no way to behave, Susanna.We’ve given you plenty of room to adjust all week, but things are what they are, and it’s time you faced them.”
    Susanna jerked the quilt off her head to answer. “That I am an Englisha girl?”
    â€œNo!” Mamm was horrified. “You are not an Englisha girl, so stop acting like one.”
    â€œYou heard what Daett said.” Susanna’s eyes blazed. “I have wild Englisha blood in me.”
    Mamm ’s face clouded. “Your Daett is not always wise in his choice of words, as he once wasn’t in his choice of girlfriends. But he is still your daett , and you are still his daughter.”
    â€œI’m not facing anyone today, other than Joey if he stops by.”
    â€œSusanna, please!” Mamm grabbed her arm. “You are doing no such thing.”
    Susanna almost pulled back, but Mamm meant this for her own goot . Truth was, she had acted all week like a bobbli , but she couldn’t help it. Her entire life had been a lie. How did one deal with that?
    â€œYou are still my daughter,” Mamm said. “ Yah , you should have been told about your Englisha mamm when you were young. I’m sorry now that I didn’t insist, but maybe it’s not too late for us to start over. I love you, Susanna, as if you were my own. That has not changed.” Mamm took Susanna’s hand. “I raised you and loved you as only I could.”
    Susanna managed to nod. There was no sense in hurting Mamm unnecessarily. What Mamm said was true. She couldn’t imagine how her own mamm could have mothered her better. “Did you know my real mamm ?” Susanna asked.
    Mamm looked away. “We had best not speak of her. Some things are best left with the Lord.”
    Susanna leaned closer. “So you did know her, yet you married Daett .”
    Mamm meet her gaze. “I have forgiven your daett , as you must forgive him. There is no goot in speaking of the past.”
    â€œBut there is goot in speaking of one’s mamm ,” Susanna insisted. “I have a right to know. In fact, I must know.”
    Mamm ’s face softened, but she still hesitated.
    â€œI must know,” Susanna continued. “I will only learn it from other people if you don’t tell me.”
    Mamm ’s voice caught. “Your mamm looked much like you, Susanna. I didn’t know her well, but we saw each other while I was on my rumspringa time. Things were different back then. Few of our young people jumped the fence, so we mingled freely with the Englisha people. Which was all to our own shame, of course.”
    Susanna ignored the comment. “How old was I when you married Daett ?”
    Mamm thought for a moment. “Six months or so. Your daett saw his mistake early, and he was glad that I didn’t reject