Free Fifty Shades of Shade - "The Fifty Shades of Grey Parady" by E. Jay Lames Page A

well...they won the state championship later that day, so I felt like I did my part. Oh, here’s some letters for you.”
    I open them. Two interviews, both at major publishing houses.
    “That’s amazing,” Melissa tells me. “I told you. Also, this package came.”
                  Another parcel with no return address. Shade. I open it. It’s a brand new laptop computer. This must have cost him millions.
                  “Welcome to the twenty-first century,” Melissa adds. “When are you seeing him again?”
                  “We’re supposed to have dinner Wednesday.”
                  “And then more sexy time?” Melissa naughtily asks.
                  I think of the Red Room of Pain, the contract, and ghost Ray Charles.
                  “Something like that.”
                  I begin setting up my laptop. The whole time I’m thinking of Shade. So complicated. Now I have some insight, though. On the ride back he told me how he lost his virginity to one of his mom’s friends when he was fifteen. Forced upon him. Kinda like that old lady that seduced Dustin Hoffman—what was her name? Jon Voight?
                  In fact, he was the Submissive and she was the Dominant. To be a teenage boy having sex with an eager older woman. I can’t imagine the hell.
                  I take out the contract again and look at it:
     
    CONTRACT
     
                  Made this day ______ of 2012 (“The Commencement Date”)
     
    Between:
                  Mr. Sebastian Shade of 103 Alacse St., Seattle, WA 98889 (“The Dominant”)
     
                  Miss Chastity Stool of 111111114 SW Brown St, Apt. 7, Somehwere, WA 98875 (“The Submissive”)
     
    The Parties Agree As Follows:
                  The following are the terms of a binding contract between the Dominant and the Submissive:
     
    FUNDAMENTAL TERMS.
    1.                     The fundamental purpo se of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely, with respect and regards for her needs, her limits, her well-being, and her tiny vaginey.
    2.                    The Dominant and Submissive agree and acknowledge that all that occurs under the terms of this contract will be consensual, confidential, and subject to the agreed limit—
     
    Blahblahblah. I couldn’t even go on reading it, it was so boring. Not like “Jane Eyre” at all. Then I stopped to think about what I was actually doing here. In the last forty-eight hours I got drunk for the first time, lost my virginity, and was offered a contract by a bazillionaire to be his sex slave. Everyone usually gets all that over with in their teens. I guess I’m a late bloomer.
                  I skip forward a little:
     
    APPENDIX 3:
     
    Soft Limits
     
    Does the Submissive consent to:
                          Masturbation
                          Cunnilingus
                          Fun-nilingus
                          Swallowing semen
                          Gargling, then swallowing semen
                          Vaginal Interfisting
                          Doing it in the poop-chute
                          Sudoku
     
    Does the Submissive consent to:
                          Vibrators
                          Butt plugs
                          Dildos
                          Musical dildos
                          Rosary beads
                          Other vaginal/anal toys
     
    My head is spinning. I almost feel nauseous. I somehow continue:
     
    Does the Submissive consent to:
    