Free Fifty Shades of Shade - "The Fifty Shades of Grey Parady" by E. Jay Lames

clothes.
                  “Hurry up, get dressed. You’re meeting my mom.”
                  “I can’t meet her like this.”
                  “Just throw on some clothes. You look great, she won’t care.”              
                  Shade leaves the room. I get up and get dressed. I look at the bedsheet. A bloodstain where my vagina was positioned. It’s official. My virginity is gone. I blow a soft kiss to the bloodstain. Bye-bye virginity.
                  I go outside and see Shade out on the couch, a sandy-haired middle-aged woman sitting next to him. She turns to me and smiles.
                  “You must be Chastity .”
                  “Nice to meet you.”
                  “This is Dr. Margaret Evening-Shade,” Sebastian introduces.
                  “Call me Margaret, sweetie.”
                  Meeting this woman might help me figure him out a little. I hold a magnifyin g glass up to her. Hm. No clues. E xcept that I can now tell she waxes her upper lip.
                  “So, how did you two meet?” she asks.
                  “ Chastity interviewed me for WSU’s student paper. I’m conferring their degrees this week.”
                  “So, you’re graduating this week,” Dr. Evening-Shade asks me.
                  “Yep.”
                  “Great.” She turns to Shade, “I haven’t seen you for two weeks. Windsor told me you were around. I thought we’d have grimble together, but I see you have plans already.”
                  “What’s grimble?” I ask.
                  “Oh, it’s a secret meal between lunch and dinner that only the super wealthy know about,” Shade explains to me.
                  “Ah.”
                  “Well, I better get going,” she continues. “Some other time, darling. Chastity , it was a pleasure to meet you.”
                  “Same here, Dr. Evening-Shade.”
                  “Call me Nancy, dear.”
                  “Okay.”
                  I thought her name was Margaret.
                  Cheryl enters and escorts Dr. Evening-Shade out.
                  After she leaves, Shade hands me a manila envelope.
                  “Here’s the rest of the contract. Read it and we’ll meet next weekend. I suggest doing some research on the Internet.”
                  “Internet?”
                  “Yeah, the World Wide Web.”
                  “The Whaz-a-hoozle?”
                  “On your computer.”
                  “I don’t have a computer.”
                  “But, you’re a college student in modern day America—”
                  I shush him. “Please, let’s not focus on this story’s logical missteps.”
                  He thinks about it. “You’re right. Let’s just go with it. Come on, I’ll d rive you home.”
     

CHAPTER SIX
     
                  “So, how was it last night?” Melissa asks me.
                  “Good.”
                  “Did he make you come?”
                  Whoa. She’s so blunt. Her name should be, er, Emily Blunt. Sorry, that was bad. What do you want, it was a long night.              
    “Yes,” I murmur.
                  “Wow, he must know what he’s doing. My first time was horrid.”
                  “Oh?” This has me interested.
                  “Yes. Mikey S antone. High School. Some jock. We got drunk, he wore his varsity football jacket while we did it. All his teammates were watching. It was bad.”
                  “ That sounds awful.”
    “Yeah,