Free Real Ultimate Power by Robert Hamburger Page A

They don’t do anything. Sometimes they cut people, which is cool, but they don’t do it enough. And when they actually do kill somebody, everybody yells at them. Plus, you have to look at guys’ wieners all day—so forget it.
    Fishermen
    All they do is sit in a boat and look at each other all day, and their socks are always wet. Nobody likes them, because they can’t figure out what they want out of life and probably never will.
    Mailmen
Retarded
Veterinarian
O.K., because the dogs flow like wine, which is awesome, but other than that, it’s retarded
Painter
Boring
Astronaut
Float around in a spaceship with a bunch of naked guys? NO WAY!
Clerk
Retarded
Sailor
Double retarded
    Now, after I told you all that crap, I want you to sit back and really think about it. It may take days or even weeks, but at least you’ll know for sure.
    O.K., done? ’Cause I know I am. Now do you still wanna be a ninja? Do you think you have what it takes? I am going to show you the lefts and rights of the art of killing people and looking sweet. A ninja needs spirit, skills, weapons, a suit, and moves. And guess what? I am going to teach you all that crap right now. But ... before we get to the real training, we have to do something. (I think you know what that is.)

Pump-Up Part II:
    More Movie Scripts That Make Me and Francine Bite Each Other Hard
    N obody can be a ninja if they’re not pumped—nobody. And if you’re still not pumped up, then you’re a moron. Luckily, I can help. I wrote three more scripts to really get you pumped. On the top, these movies may appear foolish or dumb, but as you’ll see, the characters in them are pretty cool, and work on many levels, because they pump you up. The King’s Gold/Babes is about teamwork and friendship. The Pirate Dance is about danger, brotherhood, and the pure stupidity of pirates. And the third script, Little Tiny Hippo, is about a little tiny hippo.
    The King’s Gold/Babes
    S CENE 1:
    In the olden days, there was this sweet king that had mounds of gold and babes. But then these pirates decide to steal the mounds and surround the castle and everybody freaks, except the king, who is like, “Chill homies, I’ll handle this crap.”
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    The pirates stand outside the castle walls and are like, “You think you are so cool, but guess what, you’re not. Good luck dying!” Then the king replies, “Yeah, right. How would you like to meet my best friends?”
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    Then, out of nowhere, there is a small sound of a guitar wailing really, really hard behind the hills. The wailing starts getting louder and louder and louder. Then, out of nowhere, there is this one sweet-ass ninja standing on top of a huge hill. Everybody is like, “Woooooooooooow!” He is wearing all black and he has this jet-red guitar in his hands. Then smoke smokes over the hills like trains. But the smoke is ninjas. And the pirates see about a billion ninjas with guitars standing on top this his huge hill. And they start to wail ...
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    When the ninjas wail on their guitars, the pirates spray diarrhea on each other and love it. And when they wail harder, the pirates spray harder. As the ninjas saunter down the hill, the pirates’ chests and butts explode. (Basically, they’re dead or about to die.) Then the ninjas finally reach the boss pirate who is really huge. Out of nowhere, the boss pirate pulls out this baby banjo and tries to fiddle with it like a little, retarded baby. The ninjas are like, “Yeah, right,” and all the billions of ninjas surround the boss pirate. Half of the ninjas all combine to form the biggest guitar in the universe. The other half form the second biggest boner in the universe. Then the huge guitar points right at the pirate, who is like “Holy CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!” Before the pirate could even do anything, the super boner slaps against the guitar, making the hugest wail ever to