Free Real Ultimate Power by Robert Hamburger

you can begin to pet. Make sure to go with the fur, otherwise they might get colicky. After you’re done petting, wash your hands. You can pick up diseases from their fur, like E. coli. 194 So don’t forget to wash your fingers, before stuffing them back in your mouth.
    Attire
    Ninjas are attracted to shiny things, like freshly washed cans or medallions. So don’t wear anything like that, since they might chew on it. I don’t understand why this happens.
    Feeding
    Ninjas’ favorite foods are sushi, egg rolls, chicken, curry, tacos, pizza, leaves, apples, and spicy-chili. Most of the time, a ninja only wants the food in your hand, but if your fingers get in the way, they might eat them, too! They might not know where the taco ends and your fingers begin. So DON’T CURL YOUR FINGERS while feeding. Keep your hand spread wide open.
    Don’t!
    Do—oh man, look how flat that hand is.
    Saying Goodbye
    Everything may be going pretty sweet when hanging out with a ninja, but if you screw it up at the end by saying something completely stupid, it’s over. Ninjas remember the last few moments the best—so they’ve got to count, hard. After you both get tired playing or watching TV, walk the ninja to the door and talk about something sweet that happened during the visit so he can think about it on the ride home and really understand how cool it is to be with you. And don’t get all sad and beg him to stay longer. He might start thinking that you’re desperate. Only after he’s left the driveway, can you close the door and fall back against it, and rock back and forth, thinking about all the stuff you guys did, wishing, hoping, praying that it will all happen again. And if you did all the crap I just told you, it probably will.

P ART IV
    Welcome to My Dojo!

    A medieval warrior said to his son, “It is not good to be crazy. Before you get crazy, count to one hundred, or I’ll uppercut you.” Then one day, the kid got a little crazy and warrior dad looked right at him and the kid started counting, but instead of relaxing, he got even more pumped, and by the time he hit twelve, the kid went bananas and started spanking his dad and he couldn’t stop. And when his dad was lying on the ground screaming, “WHY? ” the kid whispered, “Because I can.”
    â€”Ancient Chinese Proverb

SECTION OVERVIEW
    Y ou might be asking yourself, “Good evening, how is this ancient Chinese or Japanese tradition or whatever going to help me, a modern person with guns and television?” Well, you know what? This stuff has lasted 2,500 years because IT’S AWESOME, THAT’S WHY! And frankly, whether or not you think ninjas are sweet doesn’t matter. What matters is that they could beat your ass. And if that doesn’t make sense to you, nothing will.
    Nevertheless, after seeing a bunch of ninja and kung fu movies, a lot of people think that they’ll get magical powers if they become a ninja. Well, you know what, they’re right. There have been news reports of kids flying around cities, kicking soccer balls into space, and ripping off their dad’s spanking arm. All because they decided to become ninjas. BUT making the decision to be a ninja can be a super hard one. Your friends and relatives may tell you that you should be a mailman or a doctor. They might say that you’re not good enough, or even that you’re too fat or uptight. But if you want to be a ninja, I mean really, really want to be one, then you have to do it. You just have to, no matter what. But you also have to know for sure. So you should learn about other types of jobs to see what you’re missing.
    Lawyers
    Lawyers just hang out in courtrooms all day and, during recess, they don’t even get to go outside! They have to take a bunch of crap from the judge who doesn’t even care about them. And nobody should have to go through that.
    Doctors
    Doctors are retarded.