Free Bro on the Go by Barney Stinson Page A

would lead you to believe.

    Remember when you paid extra because you had to have a sunroof?

    At a four-way stop, “Bros before ho’s” still applies.
    (Heh. “Four-way.”)

    Jumping through the window
Dukes of Hazzard
style is fun. Landing with the emergency break between your legs isn’t.

A B RO IN H IS P AD

    If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown.

    An adult channel home is a happy home.

    Stuffing your matching sheet sets inside one of the pillowcases is a no-fuss way to keep your linens organized.

    Even if it means banging a pot during battle scenes, a Bro should make some sort of attempt at surround sound.

A B RO AT THE M OVIES

    If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40 P.M . Also, despite the cost savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags.

    If it looks like you’ll be staring at a giant Gwyneth Paltrow, Sandra Bullock, or Dame Judi Dench for the next ninety minutes, remember:
Die Hard
is probably on TV right now.

    Appropriate seating arrangement for two Bros:
    Bro— [empty “we’re just Bros” seat] —Bro.

    Just a hunch, but I bet the vice president/general/police chief from the beginning is somehow behind all this.

    No matter how bad it is, DO NOT WALK OUT OF A KATE WINSLET FILM: 83 percent chance of a rack cameo, highest of any multiple Academy Award nominee.

A B RO AT THE S TRIP C LUB

    In a scenario where two or more Bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity.

    This is not the venue to try out that new black light.

    There are a million reasons not to use a credit card here, but only two silicone-filled reasons why you probably will.

    A fun trick to play is to tell that 6 foot 8 bouncer that your Bro is groping all the girls.

    Some handy Russian phrases:
    “Good evening.”
    “Boy, it sure is nice to unwind after a long day at the immigration office.”
    “As a matter of fact, I’ve got a whole box of blank green cards back at my apartment.”

A B RO AT THE G AME

    When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o’clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.

    When Bros attend a sporting event and see themselves on the JumboTron, they shall purse their lips and flex their biceps while informing the crowd that their team is number one, despite any objective rankings to the contrary.

    Even though you’re in the upper deck and he’s on the mound, yes, the pitcher can hear you shouting. More to the point, he’ll never know that giving up that two-run homer has pretty much blown the team’s chances of victory unless you personally tell him so.

    The stranger sitting next to you would totally like to hear about your high school sports moment of glory.

A B RO AT THE B ALLET

    n/a

A B RO AT THE O FFICE

    A Bro shall never mix it up romantically with a co-worker. 1

    As collegial as your office might be, nobody wants to see you exit the restroom and announce, “I just dropped a bomb in there.”

    “Had trouble sleeping last night” is a crude but time-tested cover for a bad hangover.

    If you’re giving a presentation and your mind suddenly goes blank, you can always start chanting “U-S-A! U-S-A!”

    “Clear browser history” saves jobs.

A B RO AT THE M ALL

    A Bro doesn’t comparison shop.

    Don’t look back—they were definitely teenagers.

    There’s always time for a casual lap around the electronics superstore.

    Lingering around the children’s play area to scope out the hot young moms is a good idea in theory only.

A B RO ON A B RO’D T RIP

    If a scenario arises in which a Bro has promised two of his Bros permanent shotgun, one of the following shall determine the copilot: (1) foot race to the car, (2) silent auction, or in the case of a road trip exceeding 450