Free Bro on the Go by Barney Stinson Page B

miles, (3) a no-holds-barred cage match to the death.

    A considerate Bro rolls down the window before dropping ass in the car.

    When I say “Doritos,” I mean
Cool Ranch
Doritos. Remember that at the rest stop ’cause I’m just gonna send you back in there.

    If you find yourselves in Montana, somebody screwed up somewhere.

A B RO AT A D ANCE C LUB

    A Bro never dances with his hands over his head.

    Two Bros shall maintain at least a three-foot radius between them while dancing on the same floor, even when reenacting the knife fight from “Beat It,” which, I guess, two Bros shouldn’t do anyway, or at least not very often.

    Don’t be “necklace guy.”

    FREAKIN’ LOUD IN HERE, HUH?

A B RO AT THE G YM

    A Bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other Bros in a gym locker room.

    Judge not the Bro who asks a chick to spot him on the bench press.
    Judge the Bro who does so with an erection.

    God did not design spandex for dudes.
    Exception: David Lee Roth in the ’80s. That just
worked.

    Injuring yourself trying to lift more weight than the next guy proves nothing . . . except how awesome you are.

    Surprise! You’re not the only guy who joined this step class to meet chicks.

    Briefs before boxers.
    The leg press is designed to showcase the calves, hamstrings, and quadriceps, not your dimpled scrotum.

    Be nice to every woman in the gym because, as the old saying goes:
    “Today’s heavy chick is tomorrow’s hot chick.”
    NOTE : Unless their face is dingo city, in which case feel free to act however you please.

    If your plan is to hang out in the sauna until someone other than a fat Eastern European man steps in, then, buddy, I hope you like heat stroke.

A B RO AT A R ENAISSANCE F AIRE
    ?

A B RO AT THE B EACH

    A Bro never wears socks with sandals. He commits to one cohesive footgear plan and sticks with it.

    A “clothing optional” beach doesn’t really mean “clothing optional” for Bros.

    People are afraid of sharks, but in many ways aren’t they just the Bros of the ocean?

    A watched bikini top never malfunctions.

A B RO IN THE M ILITARY

    A Bro loves his country, unless that country isn’t America.

    If some smug citizen reminds you that he paid for your education, it’s okay to demonstrate your acquired knowledge by kicking him in the nuts.

    “Don’t ask, don’t tell” also refers to farts.

    If you’re in New York City for Fleet Week and you happen to see me chatting up some honey in my rented sailor uniform, let’s maybe keep it between us, ’kay?

A B RO IN O UTER S PACE

    In a gravity-free environment, one Bro isn’t always expected to Bro out another Bro by letting said Bro go first. For example, if the former Bro had the chance to be the First Bro on the Moon but was like, “No, go ahead Bro, it’s all you.” That’s just stupid, Bro.

    Stay alert.
    Sometimes your onboard computer is your robot Bro. Other times he will try to kill you.

    Ast-BRO-naut.
    Right? Right?!

A B RO IN THE B ATHROOM

    Even in a drought, a Bro flushes twice.

    An hour spent sculpting a neck beard is an hour lost forever.

    You’ll know you’ve found your “bathroom read” when your legs fall asleep.

    It’d be a much more sanitary world if they made soap shaped like boobs.
    NOTE : Don’t steal my boob-shaped-soap idea. I’m gonna do something with that.

A B RO AT A P ARTY

    A Bro shows up at another Bro’s party with at least one more unit of alcohol than he plans to drink. If the party sucks and/or there are too many dudes, the Bro is entitled to leave with his alcohol, though etiquette dictates he should wait until nobody is looking.

    Remain calm, walk away slowly, and nobody will know you broke that.

    If you’re working on a chick and she mentions her cat more than three times, cut your losses and get out of there.

A B RO AT THE B AR

    Given an option on quantity when ordering a beer with his Bros, a Bro always selects the largest size available or shall