Free Bro on the Go by Barney Stinson

INTRODUCTION
FROM THE DISINFECTED DESK OF BARNEY STINSON
    Spider-Man’s uncle once said, “With great power comes great responsibility,” but what the great philosopher really meant was, “With great power comes a never-ending string of dumbass questions.” In the year since selflessly bestowing
The Bro Code
upon humanity I have been inundated with letters, emails, texts—even a few stalker-level break-ins—from people in every corner of the globe, but mostly France.
    Everyone wants to know three things:
    1. Why haven’t you been nominated for a Nobel Prize?
    2. How can one person be so handsome, smart, popular, and handsome? (The “one person” I’m referring to is you—Barney Stinson.)
    3.
The Bro Code
is immensely entertaining, educational, andavailable via Fireside Books/Simon & Schuster, but it offers only general guidelines about how to live my life. What do I do when I’m at the office, going to the beach, or when I’m supposed to be at the office but I’m at the beach? HELP!
    I answer:
    1. I couldn’t possibly nominate myself for
The Bro Code
—they’ve repeatedly told me it’s against the rules—but
you
can. 1 Nominations for the Nobel Prize in Literature are due January 31 and should be addressed to:
    Nobel Committee for Literature
    Swedish Academy
    P.O. Box 2118
    SE-103 13 Stockholm
    Sweden
    2. I don’t know, but if you’re a hot chick, perhaps we could discuss it at your place sometime . . . though now that I think about it, I probably can’t stay very long because I’ve got a thing later that night—but, yeah, no, let’s “talk.”
    3. Relax. Daddy’s home. The next time you’re out and about and a Bro-related concern arises, just reach down your pants and whip out this handy reference guide:
Bro on the Go
.
    For years I’ve wanted to supplement the universal laws of the Bro Code with a portable handbook of advice and commentary but for various reasons had to scuttle each previous effort:
The Guy-dance Counselor,
1
Touching Your Inner Bro,
2 and most recently
The Pocket Stinson.
3 Now, with
Bro on the Go,
I’m finally able to present the observations, reflective wisdom, and inspirational nuggets I’ve mined through the daily grind of being awesome.
    In these pages you will find official Bro Codes in bold print alongside my own unique and powerful insights. To maximize utility, I’ve organized this volume by location so that a Bro trying to choose between black or gray spandex shorts for his workout can quickly flip to “A Bro at the Gym” and know the answer is a resounding “neither.” Used this way, it is my hope that
The Bro Code
will calibrate your moral compass while
Bro on the Go
provides a map to navigate your path toward total awesomeness and maybe, just maybe, getting laid big-time.
    With these tools in hand (heh), you are now armed to live the life of a Bro on the Go. So take this package of wisdom, roll it into a generous cylinder, stuff it in your front pocket, and go, Bro, go.

A B RO ON A D ATE

    A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly, they’re not that heavy.

    Good word to say a lot on a first date?
“Trustworthy.”
    Bad word to say a lot on a first date?
“Mommy.”

    Manners dictate that you wait for your date to go to the restroom before checking out whether that blonde in the corner is indeed spank material.

    Sure, the popcorn trick sounds like a great idea, but nobody’s actually ever done it. And that’s why she’ll never see it coming.

    You can learn a lot about someone on a first date, but the only way to get her weight is to steal her driver’s license.

A B RO B EHIND THE W HEEL

    A Bro never admits he can’t drive stick. Even after an accident.

    This is all the car in front of you’s fault.

    That whole “sexy female cop with handcuffs and whipped cream” thing happens far less than the adult film industry