Free Henchmen by Eric Lahti

say, “I won’t smack him unless he really needs it.”
    She sighs, almost exasperated and says, “Let me handle this one.”
    Damn. Knock out one stranger who wasn’t a threat, and you’re marked for life.
    She has to ring the doorbell twice before the Lord of the Manor deigns to answer the door.  He’s shorter in person than I expected, maybe 5’5” or 5’6”.  He looks at me and frowns.  Then he looks at Jessica and smiles, suddenly quite happy to assist us.  There must be certain aspects of being a woman that come in handy, most notably the fact that men get really stupid around pretty women.  I’m sure it’s not all sunshine and roses, but being able to completely warp desperate men with a smile must come in handy.
    The inside is as tasteless and bland as the outside; he’s decked the joint out in pastel carpets and framed Nagel posters.  It’s like Miami Vice never went off the air.  I think I’ve seen some of the plaster statues Goodman has in those Sky Mall catalogs they give out on airplanes
    “What can I do for you today?” he asks her, a twinkle in his eye.
    “I’m interested in the property at 420 Hermosa,” she asks.
    “Let me check this out for you.” He sits behind an enormous, ornate desk and moves some papers off his keyboard.  He two-finger types a few things into an archaic computer, and waits while it makes a wide variety of clicking and chirping sounds. 
    I wander over to look at the bookcase.  It’s stocked with expensive-looking books - a few classics, but mostly real-estate books, self-motivation texts, and other crap.  I grab a copy of “The Book of Five Rings for Executives” and start flipping through it.  The classic treatise on sword fighting distilled into executive-speak.  I briefly studied Kenjutsu, and have read the original version of “The Book of Five Rings.” For some reason, I’m always vaguely insulted when I see one of these classic texts converted into a self-help book for lily-assed middle managers.  I know I shouldn’t get myself worked up about it, but, dammit, ruin your own texts. Go rewrite Zig Ziglar, or something. Leave mine alone.
    He looks up and frowns. “That property is already rented.”
    “Yeah, we know,” I say.
    Jessica shoots me a look, and sits down all prim and proper in the chair in front of Goodman’s desk.  “We’re … I’m interested in previous renter.  Delano Hayha.”
    Goodman goes white.  “I don’t know who you’re talking about.”
    “Please, I need to find out what happened to him.”  She’s giving him the damsel in distress treatment, but it doesn’t seem to be working.
    “It’s time for both of you to go now.  I have a very important business meeting.”
    Jesus, dude. At least try to not look completely guilty.
    He stands up, walks around the desk, and holds out his hand to Jessica.  Silvio is a true gentleman to the end. She shakes her head and says, “We’re not going anywhere until we find out what happened.”
    “I don’t have anything to tell you.”  He’s getting nervous.
    I rip a page out of his book.  Damn, it feels good to do that.  “Actually, it’s probably a good idea if you did tell us.  It’s not like we’re asking for anything important, right?”
    He looks from me to Jessica.  She no longer looks prim or proper, and there’s an angry look creeping into her eyes.  The last time I saw that look, my newly acquired knife had to be cleaned.
    “I’m not scared of you.  You can’t do anything to me,” Silvio stammers.  He’s scared, maybe not of us, but he’s scared.
    “We don’t really want to do anything to you,” Jessica says.
    “Speak for yourself,” I say, ripping some more pages out his fake “Book of Five Rings”.  He’s never even opened it. He just keeps it around so he can feel tough.
    Goodman’s shaking a bit now, eyes darting back toward his desk.  “You can’t scare me with this good-cop, bad-cop bullshit.  Just get the fuck out,